Why We Repeat Unhealthy Relationship Patterns (And How to Stop)

"We repeat what we don't repair" is a quote often attributed to Christine Langley-Obaugh, a writer and counselor. The belief that we go on to repeat the patterns from our childhood in our adult romantic relationships has become a widely accepted cultural norm backed up by research. Yet, so many of us continue seeking out partners that mimic the people we were raised by in an attempt to repair the wounds we experienced as children. Some of us do this consciously, while others believe this is simply "what they're attracted to."

As therapy-speak infiltrates popular culture, more and more adults are analyzing their childhood wounds on popular dating shows. It’s not uncommon to find participants sharing their childhood trauma or experiences with their parents. While awareness of these patterns is a step in the right direction, awareness alone does not stop us from engaging in them. Actual change requires intentional self-work and breaking free from unconscious cycles.

In this article, we will explore:

• Why we repeat unhealthy relationship patterns (the research behind this phenomenon)
• The psychology of repetition compulsion
• Common red flags to look out for
• Why certain people or behaviors activate deep wounds from childhood
• Three steps you can use today to start choosing partners consciously rather than unconsciously repeating old patterns

Why We’re Drawn to Familiar Patterns

Freud developed the concept of repetition compulsion, the psyche’s attempt to make sense of unresolved wounds. While this theory has evolved over time, it is supported by attachment theory and studies on trauma and neurobiology. The key takeaway is that you are repeating patterns because of what happened to you, but you are not doomed to continue doing so—you have the power to change your present and your future by changing what you do.

Bowenian Family Therapy provides another useful lens for understanding this repetition compulsion. Bowen believed that people with low differentiation (meaning they struggle to separate their emotions from their family’s influence) are more likely to unconsciously repeat dysfunctional relationship patterns. If you were raised in a high-conflict or enmeshed family, you might seek out relationships that feel emotionally intense or overly dependent, mistaking this for closeness. If your family discouraged emotional expression, you might shut down or avoid deep emotional connections in relationships.

Bowen’s theory also suggests that relationship patterns, attachment styles, and emotional dysfunction are passed down through generations through the intergenerational transmission process. If your parents had an unhealthy marriage (e.g., constant conflict, emotional unavailability, or codependency), you may have learned to normalize these dynamics and unknowingly recreate them in your own relationships. It can be helpful to look back at the patterns in your family relationships and how they may have been passed down through generations.

Additionally, Bowen proposed that family systems are driven by anxiety, and unresolved family anxiety often manifests in our romantic relationships. When we feel anxious, we default to familiar relationship patterns—even unhealthy ones—because they feel predictable and “normal.”

Research on Pursuing Familiar Dynamics in Adult Romantic Relationships

Several studies have reinforced the idea that childhood family dynamics shape adult relationships:

• A study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that hostility experienced in one's family of origin is a strong predictor of similar hostile behaviors in later marital interactions. For men, this family-of-origin hostility also correlated with poorer marital adjustment, mediated through increased hostility in marital interactions.
• A study by Dinero et al. (2008) found that positive family interactions during adolescence were associated with greater security in adult romantic attachment. Conversely, negative family interactions can lead to insecure attachment styles, affecting relationship satisfaction.
• Another study explored the relationship between family-of-origin communication patterns and emerging adults' romantic relationship satisfaction. The findings suggest that the way families communicate can significantly influence the quality of their children's future romantic relationships.

How to Identify Unhealthy Patterns in Your Dating Life

Recognizing patterns is the first step toward breaking free from them. Here are some common red flags that might indicate a dysfunctional cycle:

• Chasing emotionally unavailable people (partners who are inconsistent, avoidant, or non-committal)
• Ignoring your own needs to maintain peace in a relationship
• Mistaking intensity for love (equating emotional highs and lows with passion rather than stability)
• Feeling an overwhelming need to "fix" or "save" a partner
• Falling into the same relationship conflicts repeatedly, even with different partners

Specific emotional triggers may also signal unresolved wounds from childhood. If you find yourself disproportionately hurt, angry, or anxious in response to specific behaviors (e.g., a partner needing space or setting boundaries), it may indicate a deeper wound being activated.

How to Break Free & Choose Healthy Love

Breaking the cycle requires awareness, intentionality, and self-work. Here are three steps you can take to start choosing partners consciously rather than unconsciously repeating old patterns:

1. Cultivate Self-Awareness

• Reflect on your past relationships and identify recurring themes or patterns.
• Consider what unmet childhood needs might be influencing your attraction to certain partners.
• Journal about moments of emotional reactivity—when do you feel most triggered, and why?

2. Rewire Your Attraction System

• If you're drawn to unhealthy dynamics, actively challenge your definition of attraction.
• Seek relationships that provide stability, security, and emotional support, even if they feel "boring" at first.
• Engage in therapy or coaching to explore attachment wounds and develop healthier relationship patterns.

3. Practice Conscious Dating

• Set clear standards for what a healthy relationship looks like for you.
• Take things slow—avoid rushing into emotional intensity.
• Prioritize partners who demonstrate emotional availability, consistency, and mutual respect.

4. Learn Emotional Regulation Techniques

• Develop skills to manage anxiety and self-soothe without relying on toxic relationship patterns.
• Try mindfulness, meditation, or cognitive-behavioral strategies to reframe anxious thoughts.

5. Break Free from Codependency

• Learn to differentiate between love and emotional enmeshment.
• Strengthen your sense of self outside of relationships.
• Build a support system that isn’t solely dependent on romantic connections.

Healing from past relationship patterns is a journey, but it is entirely possible. By recognizing the unconscious forces at play, developing self-awareness, and taking intentional steps toward change, you can break free from unhealthy cycles and choose love consciously. You are not bound to repeat the past—you have the power to create a new, healthier future in your relationships.