The Difference Between A Mother's Criticism and Help

All families struggle with criticism. Members may throw out insults and unsolicited advice under the guise of love, jokes, caring, or “just how we talk to each other.” We know that mothers may struggle with criticizing their daughters because of jealousy, a deep belief it will help them, or their unresolved pain and expectations.

Criticism is caring that is misguided and miscommunicated. It’s ineffective in eliciting change among members and often makes families feel disconnected.

Instead, most mothers need to provide their daughters with feedback. I love this explanation from Brain Minds, “Feedback is a combination of fact-based explanation, solutions, and empathy.”

The Difference Between Criticism and Feedback

• Criticism often focuses on things that cannot be changed. Feedback is focused on improving dynamic parts of our life.
• Criticism often comes across as invalidating, condescending, bossy, or preachy. Feedback is kind, empathetic, and solution-oriented.
• When someone is criticizing, they seem arrogant and superior. Someone providing feedback meets the person where they are and recognizes they’re both unique human beings.
• Criticism is threatening or demanding. Feedback is open and supportive.
• Criticism is focused on what we don’t want. Feedback is focused on what you want.
• Criticism tries to bring the other person down. Feedback helps inspire them to make a positive change.
• Criticism is misguided caring. Feedback is genuine caring and support.
• Criticism attacks the person for who they are. Feedback provides guidance on the specific issue.
• Criticism includes giving advice, commands, and injunctions. Feedback is focused on the possible benefits of change.

If you are a mother who finds herself constantly criticizing your daughter, ask yourself:

• What am I hoping to change about them?
• Why does this specific thing bother me?
• What would happen if they changed this part of them?
• Am I trying to change something about them that is fixed?
• Am I projecting my wants, values, or expectations onto them?
• How does it feel when my own family criticizes me?
• Am I trying to inspire them to make a positive change?
• Is the thing I am criticizing impacting my life?
• When I explain this issue to them, does it sound like I care about them and want them to succeed?
• Am I attacking the person for who they are?
• Is my guidance clear?

When a mother is able to provide feedback instead of criticism, the bond between mother and daughter becomes even stronger. The mother will feel like a capable helper and the daughter will feel like a trusted, empowered adult.