How To Stop Criticizing Your Daughter

I remember the first few days after my son was born. I felt this overwhelming pressure to be a good mother and to show my husband how to be a good father. I remember constantly thinking, we both became parents on the same day, and I’m supposed to know how to do this. He gets to be confused; I don’t.

These thoughts were wildly irrational, but the postpartum haze made it difficult to see that. Deborah Tannen reflects on this pressure in her book I Only Say This Because I Love You. She shares,

“part of the reason we are so critical of mothers is that we expect so much of them. Putting so much individual responsibility on mothers for the upbringing of their children is not the norm in human history. Sarah Blaffer Hrdy, an anthropologist, notes that in much of the human world as well as the animal world, allo-mothers are the norm: Females share child rearing with relatives, neighbors, and older children. One mother as the sole parenting industry for her children, is an aberration. As Arlie Hochschild shows in her book The Second Shift, mothers in most middle-class American households do the lion’s share of child-rearing, even when both parents work full-time.”

There is no denying that we have made it impossibly difficult to be a mother. And when mothers don’t have guidance, support, or resources, they suffer. That suffering has to go somewhere. It usually ends up on the shoulders of their daughters.

Potential Reasons Why You Criticize Your Daughter

It’s not because you’re evil. The fact that you’re reading this tells me that you’re not a bad mom who is doomed to never have a healthy relationship with her daughter. A part of you probably doesn’t want to be so critical. You likely criticize your adult daughter because it is what was done to you. Most of the criticism from mothers is an attempt to help or a lack of skills and resources.:

Why Do I Criticize My Daughter?

Take a moment to read through these and see if they feel true for you. Please do not judge yourself too harshly here. Almost every parent has had at least one of these thoughts.

• The criticism that you received as a child made you a perfectionist, and you expect the same perfection from your daughter.
• It’s hard for you to accept your flaws, so you struggle to accept the flaws in your daughter.
• You want to save your daughter from becoming you or becoming a version of a woman you do not like.
• When your daughter fails or messes up, it feels like you are failing.
• You were never allowed to make mistakes, and you struggle seeing your daughter mess up.
• You view your daughter’s behavior as a reflection of you and want to ensure you look good.
• You sometimes feel like you’re in competition with your daughter.
• You just want to help your daughter improve; sometimes, she feels like your project.
• You sacrificed yourself for your daughter and wish she would do the same for you.
• You missed many opportunities and want to live vicariously through your daughter.
• You think your daughter needs to look or present herself a certain way to survive in this world. You criticize her in these areas to keep her safe and help her succeed.
• You grew up in an unequal, abusive, and/or oppressive family/society/culture where you were forced to do things you didn’t want to do. You believe your daughter must experience the same fate because it’s just how things are.
• Your mental health has made it difficult for you to have a close relationship with your daughter.
• Your mother intensely criticized you, and you are just repeating what you know.

It takes a lot of self-awareness, reflection, and humility to read this list and admit what patterns you might be repeating. If you grew up constantly being criticized by your family and/or the world, it might seem so unfair that you must learn how to be different for your daughter. I know it feels like this isn’t your fault and that you shouldn’t have to be the one to fix it. And you can change the course of your family’s history. Learning how to be more loving and less critical could be the very thing that saves your relationship with your daughter and future generations of women in your family.

“It sometimes seems that family members operate under the tenet “I care, therefore I criticize.” To the one who is being told to do things differently, what comes through loudest and clearest is the criticism. But the one offering suggestions and judgments is usually focused on the caring.”

• Deborah Tannen

How To Stop Criticizing Your Adult Child

I cannot tell you how often I have heard mothers complaining about what their mothers did to them while simultaneously doing the same thing to their daughters. The things you criticize in your daughter are likely the things that bother you about yourself. They’re also probably the things you were criticized for in your family.

But a mother’s criticism hurts so bad for a reason. Tannen argues that,

“We bristle because these judgments seem unjust; or because we sense a kernel of truth we would rather not face; or because we fear that if someone who knows us so well judges us harshly we must really be guilty, so we risk losing not only that person’s love but everyone else’s, too. Along with this heavy load of implications comes a dark resentment that a loved one is judging us at all—and has such power to wound.”

We live in a world where women are constantly pinned against one another. You’re too pretty or not pretty enough, too bossy, too shy, too sexy, or not trying hard enough. Women are taught from a young age that if you want to survive in this world, you need to follow a few specific rules. The problem is daughters are usually growing up in a wildly different world than their mothers did. The rules have changed, and the consequences are different. A mother’s criticism, while well-intentioned, can often seem cold, out of touch, and dated. It’s the least effective way to protect or motivate.

As your child transitions into adulthood, you must step out of the role of disciplinarian and into the role of consultant.

1. Forgive Yourself. You have simply been repeating what you knew up to this point. You internalized the voices of your caregivers and the world you grew up in. It happens. It’s not your fault, and you are responsible for fixing it.
2. Treat Yourself With Kindness. I would bet that how you speak to yourself is similar to or even worse than how you speak to your daughter. Try to make the voice inside your head even 1% kinder.
3. Catch Them Being Good. The worst way to get your child to change is to criticize them. You need to highlight more things you like and appreciate about them. Try to greet your child and compliment them or encourage them every time you see them.
4. Commit To Being Different. Remind yourself why you are working on your criticism. Set a daily intention to be different for yourself and your family.
5. Work On Your Own Wounds. The things you criticize others about, especially your own children, are likely the things people criticize about you. They are also typically the things you are insecure about. Explore those wounds and work towards healing them.
6. Make Peace With Your Mother And The Women Who Came Before Her. This doesn’t mean you have to forgive her. But it can help to understand the world these women lived in, the things they had to endure, and the potential reasons why they may have been so critical.
7. Pointing Out A Problem Is Not Helpful Feedback. If you want to help your child, focus on solutions + empathy.
8. Remember: We Do Not Like To Listen To Or Take Feedback From Mean People. If you need to provide feedback, do it without being mean.
9. Changing The Way You Speak Is Difficult. If you hear something come out of your mouth in a different way than you intended, it’s okay to say, “That’s not how I wanted to say that. Can I try again?”

How To Give *Necessary* Feedback To Your Adult Child

A lot of criticism is misguided and unhelpful. As a parent to an adult, you must learn when it’s appropriate and necessary to provide feedback. Here are some reminders before offering advice.

• Are they in danger? If it’s a life-threatening or dire situation, speak up.
• If they did not explicitly ask for advice, pause.
• Avoid offering your input in a passive-aggressive manner, like, “Are you sure you want to wear that shirt?” or "That's not what I would do."
• If you’re not sure if they want your input, just ask!

Your adult child is not obligated to listen to or accept all of your advice and feedback. They are allowed to be different and make different choices. If their behavior or choices do not directly impact or harm you, it might be time to take a step back.

What To Do When Your Child’s Decisions Feel Like A Reflection Of You

For many mothers and parents, their children are their entire world. Mothers often say that their child is “the best thing they ever created.” Unfortunately, it’s a beautiful, loving statement that can be taken too far.

The hard truth is your kid is going to mess up. They’re going to do things differently. They will wear clothes you wouldn’t wear and say things you wouldn’t. They won’t be you, and this is a beautiful thing.

Parents are quick to assume that any deviation or failure is a representation of them and their worth. When their kid doesn’t get into college, they feel rejected. And this is simply not true. Russel Barkley, PhD said this best, “Parents are shepherds, not engineers. Your job as a parent is not to sculpt your child to fulfill your own expectations, but to be a guide, supervisor, provider, nurturer, and protector of their unique gifts and strengths.”

This is your new mantra: I am not my child, and my child is not me.

When it feels like your child’s behavior is a reflection of you, I want you to try this:

1. Pause and reflect on what they are doing differently. Why does it feel dangerous or threatening?
2. Who are you worried about? Are you concerned about what other people will think? Whose judgment are you trying to avoid?
3. Is there a way you can be supportive of your child in this moment, even if you disagree with their decision?
4. Is this difference in opinion worth damaging your relationship over?