How Do I Say This?: I Can't Stop Hearing My Mother's Criticism In My Head

That critical voice you hear in your head, it’s not your voice. You were not born with those thoughts about yourself.

How we were spoken to as children by our primary caregiver becomes the standard for how we speak to ourselves in adulthood. If you did not have another consistent, loving voice to outweigh this criticism, it’s likely that your inner critic is loud and sounds very much like your mother.

When you can’t stop hearing your mother’s criticism in your head, try this.

• Try to find one good thing. When you say something negative to yourself, respond with something positive or neutral. “I’ll never accomplish this. I’m such an idiot.” → “I have achieved things before. I’m just feeling down right now.”
• Ask yourself what advice you would give to a friend. “If a friend was going through this, what would I say to them? Would I be this mean or critical?”
• Examine the evidence supporting your thoughts and try to find any shades of gray. “What evidence do I have that this critical thought is true? What evidence do I have that this critical thought is false? Could I prove this is true about me beyond a reasonable doubt?”
• What is the worst thing that could happen if my thoughts are true? “If X is true about me, what does that mean?”
• Be realistic. Are you criticizing yourself for something that is even in your control?
• Think about the root of the issue - where is this insecurity stemming from? Is this something that my mom used to criticize me for?
• Ask for feedback from someone you trust. “I keep feeling like X. Is this something you notice about me?”
• Recognize and name the false negative beliefs that you inherited from your mother. “Is this my belief about myself or what my mother told me to believe? Do I believe this about myself? Did my mother believe this about herself?”
• Remember that these beliefs may only be part of your mother’s reality and not yours. “In my world, is this true about me? Is this something I want to believe about myself?”
• Remind yourself: “I am an adult now. I do not need my mother’s approval to thrive. It is painful and sad that I do not have a consistently loving mother, and I can choose to love myself.”

If you grew up with a mother who was highly critical, abusive, or cruel, your healing will often depend on your internal voice becoming much kinder, louder, and more believable than their cruelty. You will have to understand that the way they speak to you represents their inability to be a kind parent and not a reflection of your worth as a human.

A kind, understanding, and supportive parent isn’t a luxury. It’s something everyone deserves—even you.