How to Respond When You’re Pressured to Keep Something Quiet

Here are scripts you can use as models for responding when someone asks you to keep different types of family secrets. They can be adapted to fit your specific relationship and language.

Stigmatizing Health Secrets

A parent asks their child not to tell anyone about their diagnosis.

"I understand that you’re afraid of how people might react, and I want to respect your privacy. At the same time, keeping this completely secret feels impossible for me to carry. I need to be able to talk to a trusted person, like a counselor or close friend, so I can cope with it and plan. I won’t share it publicly or with anyone you don’t approve of, but I do need some support."

Identity Secrets

A family member asks you to hide their identity or cover up.

"I care about you and want you to feel safe. I won’t share anything you’re not ready to share yourself. I also appreciate that you trust me with this, and I understand how difficult that must be for you. If anyone asks me directly, I’ll avoid lying. I’ll redirect the conversation or say it’s not mine to share.”

Abuse and Paternity Secrets (e.g., incest, hidden paternity)

A family member insists you never speak of abuse or parentage.

"I hear that you don’t want this talked about, but I can’t promise to stay silent if it puts me or someone else at risk. Carrying this kind of secret is damaging. If this is about protecting another person’s image, I need you to know my priority has to be safety."

Relational or Financial Secrets (e.g., infidelity, hidden debt)

A parent asks you not to tell the other parent about an affair or debt.

"I understand you don’t want this to get out, but I feel very uncomfortable being in the middle. Being asked to keep this secret puts me in a position that hurts my relationship with you and with others in the family. If you choose not to share it, that’s your decision, but I can’t participate in hiding it."