How To Manage Ten Common Situations When You’re Estranged

Choosing to go low contact or become estranged from a family member is challenging. We talk a lot about what causes estrangement and how to navigate the process of becoming estranged, but what happens next? How do you navigate daily life without this person? What do you do about social media, funerals, and random run-ins at the store?

How To Manage Ten Common Situations When You’re Estranged

• Mutual friends and family after estrangement

Option 1: Choose to end all relationships that connect you to this person. Sometimes, this is the only painful choice. If you are estranged from someone in your life and share friends/family, you may also have to cut those people off. You may need to keep yourself safe or no longer want to participate in their choices or problematic behaviors.

Option 2: Keep some of the relationships. You may need to discuss this with each person and determine how to make it work. This may include limited contact or only spending time alone and not with the estranged person.

Option 3: Continue all of your mutual relationships. This is possible but could get complicated without some deliberate effort and planning. Think about how you will deal with small and large gatherings.

• Social media

Option 1: Unfollow or block the person you’re estranged from and anyone they might have photos with on IG. Remove them as a follower and limit everyone’s access to your life. This is the most extreme option. You can decide if you want to tell them you are unfollowing.

Option 2: Mute the person you are estranged from and anyone else who may spend time with them or come up on your social media timeline. You can continue following each other but limit how much you see their content. You can look at it or check in when you want to. You can also prevent them from seeing certain parts of your social media presence, commenting, or sending messages. This is a boundary that can be adjusted over time.

Option 3: Continue following them on social media and/or continue allowing them to follow you. This will give you full access to their life and provide them with full access to yours. Make sure that this is something you can handle, and think about the potential pitfalls that could come up. Ask yourself: If I don’t want contact with them in the real world, why would I want contact with them here, and how will that impact me?

• Death and funerals

Death can bring up a lot of complicated feelings. It’s normal to want to say goodbye to someone, even if you are estranged or on bad terms. This person was in your life once, and you can do that. And, sometimes, you cannot bring yourself to make amends with this person at the end of their life. Funerals may bring you in contact with other unsafe people or open up old wounds.

Option 1: Attend the funeral or speak with this person at the end of their life. Decide if this would help you heal yourself or your relationship with this person. You can put limits on what you will attend and for how long.

Option 2: Choose to honor this person in your own way. This might include calling them, visiting them alone, or saying goodbye in your own way. Some people choose to light a candle, write a letter, or say a prayer.

Option 3: You may do nothing for this person and instead say goodbye to any grief or pain you’ve been holding on to. A therapist can be beneficial in this situation.

• Holidays, birthdays, and events

Life milestones are challenging for estranged family members. You may want to celebrate a child or another person still in contact with the estranged person. Each event and milestone brings unique challenges, and you must evaluate how you’d like to respond each time.

Option 1: Attend the event and choose to celebrate the person being honored. You may need to decide how to handle being in the same space as someone you are estranged from. You could arrive late, leave early, bring someone as a buffer, and practice what you will do or say if they approach you.

Option 2: Celebrate this person or event in your own way. You can choose to have your own celebration, send a gift or card, or call them and explain why you cannot attend. Again, this depends on the person or event.

Option 3: Refrain from celebrating anyone or any holiday that brings you in contact with the person you are estranged from. Choose to spend your holidays and events alone or with other people. This is the most extreme option, but it is necessary in highly dysfunctional situations.

• Grandparents + grandkids

This typically happens to adult children who are estranged from a parent and have children. They may wonder if their parent can be involved in the child’s life or if they should be.

Option 1: Involve the grandparent in the child’s life in a way that feels safe and appropriate for you. A couple of options: have contact only via phone or Facetime, brief and monitored interactions, spend holidays or events together, or the parent can share regular updates about the child. This will depend on the child's age and how safe the relationship is.

Option 2: If you believe there is a risk to the child’s emotional or physical safety, they likely cannot spend time with this grandparent. You may have to share with the child (when appropriate) why they cannot have a relationship with their grandparent. This is a very unfortunate situation, and you can grieve the loss of not having a “normal” family. The child’s safety is the top priority here.

• Gifts

A few of you sent me messages that you often receive gifts from people you are estranged from or you wonder if you should send a gift on holidays.

Option 1: If you receive a gift from someone you are estranged from, you can choose to keep the gift and say thank you (send a text, thank you note, or call). You can send the gift back with or without a message. You might want to say, “Thank you, and we cannot keep this,” or you may set a boundary to not send you any gifts in the future. You will want to consider what each decision will mean for the relationship and any potential pitfalls.

Option 2: You have to decide if you want to send a gift to someone you are estranged from or their children. It’s important to consider what this means for the relationship, what you hope will happen after the gift is received, and what message you’re trying to send. Some people choose to send gifts to children and not the adults, but you need to consider the parents' boundaries before doing this. If you are considering sending a gift, you may want to contact this person and ask if they are comfortable receiving it. If you cannot ask this, a gift may not be appropriate for the current relationship.

• Illness

As family members age, they will likely experience changes to their physical, emotional, and mental health. Accidents, sudden illness, and substance usage can also impact a person’s functioning and cause changes in the relationship. You may be interacting with family members who have lost their short and/or long-term memory, their ability to speak, impulse control, the ability to work or care for themselves physically, and more. In these cases, family members are often forced to grieve the loss of a person who never changed and never will be different. They may also be forced into caring for someone who never cared for them. This creates a complex set of circumstances they must navigate while managing their relationships, family, and life.

Option 1: When a family member is ill or dying and needs assistance, you may decide to step in. I think this again brings up the question: how do I care for someone who never cared for me? How do I care for someone who hurt me? Providing physical and emotional care for someone who couldn’t give that back might feel odd. You may experience resentment, frustration, anger, guilt, sadness, and more. This is all normal.

Option 2: In families with a history of abuse or neglect, members are often pressured to care for their family members despite this abuse. Some of this pressure may come internally from the family, and there are intense external social/cultural pressures. If a family member was your biggest bully, should you be forced to care for them at the end of their life? The answer to this question is highly nuanced and depends on your unique situation. Some people care for family at the end of their life and find immense healing in this dynamic. Some adults are forced into this position and are routinely re-traumatized by this labor. You are allowed to say no.

• Dating

So many of you asked how to explain family estrangement on dates. When trying to get to know someone new, it’s normal to ask questions like Are you close with your Mom? And, Tell me about your family.

Option 1: Say something vague and wait until you want to share more with this person. It makes sense if you don’t want to share your whole estrangement story with a stranger. You can say something factual like, “Yeah, my brother lives in Seattle,” even if you haven’t spoken in five years. Then talk about anyone important in your family or ask them a question.

Option 2: Share some of the story. You may feel comfortable saying something like, “My sister and I aren’t super close,” or, “My mom lives in another state, so I don’t see her often, but my sister lives close by, and we spend a lot of time together.” You’re being honest about part of your story without giving everything away.

Option 3: Tell them everything. If you feel comfortable and want to just get it out there, go for it.

• When other people ask about the estranged person

Sometimes, people will casually ask about the person you are estranged from. They’ll want to know how they’re doing or if they ever finished that college course. Some people are being nosey; others are being polite and genuinely curious.

Option 1: Say something vague and general like, “They’re doing well,” then change the subject.

Option 2: Share something factual, but that isn’t the whole story, like, “I actually haven’t talked to her in a while; I’m not sure.” This may bring more questions, or people will get the hint that you don’t have any information.

Option 3: Tell them you are estranged.

“I’m not speaking to my Mom right now. It’s not safe for me to be around her.”

“I’m taking some time away from my family to heal and figure things out.”

“I wish I could be closer to my family, but it’s bad for my mental health.”

“I don’t have a relationship with my brother. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to resolve our issues.”

“My sister and I can’t have a relationship right now.”

• Life-changing information

You may get information that influences how you feel about the estrangement. Maybe they had a baby, went to jail, or moved across the country. This information might inspire you to change the terms of your relationship, and it’s worth pausing before reacting.

Option 1: React to this information and how it makes you feel. Reach out, try to help them, or do something with the information. Sometimes, things happen, allowing you to create a new, healthy relationship with this person.

Option 2: Pause and don’t react just yet. Think about how this might influence your relationship and what it would be like to start speaking again. Does this news change the terms of the relationship? Would you be engaging in old patterns if you stepped in? What will happen after you help them or start speaking again?