How To Explain Family Estrangement To Friends, Family Members, And Children

Estrangement is a sensitive subject. I get so many DM’s asking how to explain estrangement to other people. You may be wondering what to tell your child, friend, or other family members about the estrangement. Here are some reminders and examples of ways to explain your decision (if and when you want to).

How To Explain Estrangement To Children

Children are curious and they will ask questions about estrangement. It’s important not to get triggered in these moments.

A few reminders:

• your child is allowed to be curious, and you are allowed to have feelings about their curiosity
• you can be truthful, and bashing the other person isn’t helpful
• how you respond will depend on the child’s age and development

Some Ways To Explain Estrangement To A Child

• “I do have a Mom, and her name is _____. Unfortunately, it’s unhealthy for me to have a relationship with her right now.”
• “Sometimes people in a family don’t get along, and they have to take a break from talking.”
• “I know you wish you had a Grandpa like your friends. I wish you did too, and it’s ok to be sad about that. We can’t spend time with Grandpa because it’s not safe.”
• “I don’t have a Dad. I only have a Mom. Remember, families come in many different shapes and sizes, and that is ok.”
• “We can’t spend time with Uncle Jim. He isn’t able to treat us nicely even after we explained the rules to him, so we can’t be around him. I’m your parent, and my job is to keep us all safe. Sometimes that means we can’t be around certain people or family members if we can’t be safe with them.”

How To Explain Estrangement To Other Family Members

Your family members will not always agree with your decision to become estranged. When you initially decide to become estranged from another family member, you may have to explain this, set new boundaries, or answer questions.

A few reminders:

• Estrangement shakes up a family system, and you can expect pushback, questions, or pressure to stay in contact with this person
• It is ok for other family members to have feelings about the estrangement. How they communicate those feelings matters, and they should be respectful.

Some Ways To Explain Family Estrangement To Other Family Members

• “I can’t have a relationship with Mom. I’ve decided that we need some space until we can communicate in a healthy way.”
• “My brother is in active addiction. I love him, but I can’t be around him when he’s like this. He knows I’m here for him whenever he is ready to make a change.”
• “I know you may not understand, but Dad and I have a long history. I hope you can trust my decision not to have a relationship with him.”
• "I've decided I can’t spend time with her until we figure out our issues. I know this complicates things, and I hope we can work to not let this come between us.”
• “I have decided not to have a relationship with Dad.”

How To Explain Estrangement To Friends

Like family, some friends will show curiosity about your estrangement. You may have friends that are friendly with several of your family members and are impacted by the estrangement. You may also have friends you do not want to involve in your family issues.

A few reminders:

• You do not have to explain yourself if you don’t want to or don’t feel safe.
• You may explain yourself perfectly and they still may not understand.

Some Ways To Explain Family Estrangement To Friends

• “I’m not speaking to my Mom right now. It’s not safe for me to be around her.”
• “I’m taking some time away from my family to heal and figure things out.”
• “I wish I could be closer to my family, but it’s really bad for my mental health.”
• “I don’t have a relationship with my brother. Unfortunately, we haven’t been able to resolve our issues.”
• “My sister and I can’t have a relationship right now.”

How To Explain Estrangement To People Who Don’t Get It

There will always be people that don’t understand estrangement. They cannot imagine doing it themselves or they come from a safe, loving family. These people may push back on your boundaries or say, “But they’re your family.”

A few reminders:

• Some people will never get it.
• You don’t have to explain yourself to these people until they get it.

Some Ways To Explain Family Estrangement To People Who Don’t Get It

• “I know you’re very close with your family and this is hard for you to understand. I hope you can trust that it's for a good reason if I cut off a family member.”
• “It’s ok if you don’t understand. I know I’m doing what is right for my family.”
• “Thanks for sharing how you feel. I am doing what is best for me right now.”
• “Sometimes family isn’t safe and you can’t have a relationship with them.”
• “You’re fortunate that you can’t comprehend cutting off your family. It’s a tough decision to make.”

How To Explain Estrangement To People Who Are Pressuring Your To Have A Relationship

Family estrangement impacts everyone in your orbit. Some people will pressure you to have a relationship to make them more comfortable.

A few reminders:

• People who know your history will likely understand why you made your choice. People who don’t have enough information may judge or pressure you. Remember, they are typically uninformed.
• People who are uncomfortable due to your choice will want you to end the estrangement. You are allowed to prioritize yourself.
• People are allowed to be upset about the change in the family. It’s normal for the family unit to prioritize cohesiveness at all costs. Sometimes this means asking people to ignore their feelings in the name of togetherness.

Some Ways To Explain Family Estrangement To People Who Are Pressuring You To Have A Relationship

• “I know it’s hard that I’m not speaking to Mom right now. I understand that it really complicates Christmas. I wish things could be different too.”
• “I wish we could have a healthy relationship too. I can’t reconnect with Dad until he is sober.”
• “She still hasn’t apologized for the abuse and continues to abuse me. I’ve decided we can’t have a relationship until it’s safe.”
• “I understand why you want the family to be together again. I’m not willing to sacrifice my mental health for that.”
• “Thank you for the feedback. I am not going to have a relationship with him.”

How To Explain Estrangement To People Who You Don’t Want To Explain Your Situation To

There will always be people who ask questions about the estrangement or someone you’re estranged from (on purpose and on accident). You may not want to explain or share with these people and that is ok.

A few reminders:

• You do not have to explain yourself to everyone who asks.
• Sometimes it is ok to say nothing and change the subject.
• Sometimes it is ok to gloss over the truth if it helps you avoid explaining yourself.

Some Ways To Explain Family Estrangement To People Who You Don’t Want To Explain Yourself To

• Try to change the subject.
• Lie, say the person is “doing well,” and change the subject.
• Say, “I haven’t talked to them in a little while.”
• Ignore the question if you can.
• If they ask about them, “I’ll tell them you said hi!”