How To Begin Reconciliation With An Estranged Family Member

For some people, reconciliation is the goal following an estrangement. We have divided this into two sections: one for people on the receiving end of estrangement and one for someone who has initiated estrangement. These are steps that we recommend you take before attempting to reconcile.

If Someone Has Cut You Off:

Reflect. Before reaching out, take considerable time to reflect on the reasons for the estrangement. Was there a specific conflict, misunderstanding, or ongoing tension? What did they tell you was the problem? Think about the moments of disconnect or difficulty you had in this relationship over the years.

Try to see things from their viewpoint. This can help you empathize with their feelings and understand why they may have chosen to distance themselves.

Be patient. Reconciliation can be emotionally intense. Ensure you're emotionally ready to engage with the family member without being reactive or defensive.

Be Realistic. Reconciliation doesn’t mean everything will go back to how it was immediately or ever. Be prepared for the possibility that the other person may not be ready to reconcile or that the relationship may not be fully restored.

Be respectful of their boundaries. If the other person asked you not to contact them until something happened or not to contact them at all, you need to consider this. In some situations, it may be best to wait until they contact you.

If you do decide to reach out, do it gently. Decide on the best way to contact them. A letter, email, or text message might be less intrusive than a phone call. Writing gives both parties time to reflect on their words without the pressure of immediate reactions. Your first outreach should be non-confrontational and brief. Express your desire to reconnect or engage in open communication, and recognize what they reported about the issue.

For example: “I’ve been thinking about you lately and what happened between us. I have been thinking about (the specific thing they said was an issue), and I recognize (how I hurt you, what happened, etc.). I would like to repair things by (specific behavioral changes you will make or have made). I hope we can discuss this whenever you are ready.”

Validate their feelings and perspective. When you communicate, acknowledge their emotions and perspective without immediately defending yourself or trying to justify past actions. Validating their feelings can help them feel heard and understood.

For example: “I understand that I may have hurt you, and I want to hear more about how you feel.”

Offer a genuine apology. If your actions contributed to the estrangement, be prepared to offer a sincere apology. Avoid saying, "I'm sorry if you felt hurt," as this can sound dismissive. Instead, say something like: “I’m really sorry for my part in what happened. I now realize my actions hurt you, and I regret that.” Avoid blaming them, and focus on taking responsibility for your role.

Listen. Be ready to listen to what they say without interrupting or defending yourself. They may express anger, sadness, or even silence. Stay calm and let them voice their feelings without taking it personally. Your role here is to understand and acknowledge their perspective.

Acknowledge the past and focus on the future. While it’s important to acknowledge past hurts, the focus should be rebuilding trust and moving forward rather than solely rehashing old conflicts. This person may be concerned about your current behavior and how you will interact with them differently. Aim to create a new foundation for the relationship that is healthier and based on mutual respect and understanding.

If You Cut Someone Off

Reflect. Take time to think deeply about what led you to sever the relationship. Was it due to ongoing conflict, personal boundaries, emotional harm, or something else?

Examine your why. Consider why you want to reconcile now. Are you ready to reopen communication, or are you hoping to repair the relationship entirely? Make sure you're seeking reconciliation because you're genuinely ready to mend the relationship, not because of external pressures, guilt, or loneliness. It’s essential to be authentic and honest with yourself about why you’re reaching out.

Recognize they may also feel afraid or hesitant to reconnect. Understand that your family member may have unresolved feelings about the estrangement. Think about how your decision may have impacted the other person. They might be hurt, confused, or feel abandoned. Understanding the emotional toll on them will help you approach the situation with more empathy and thoughtfulness.

Look at what has changed. Reflect on how you’ve changed since the estrangement. Have you gained perspective, learned new things about yourself, or better understood the family dynamics?

Reach out thoughtfully. You want to ensure the other person understands your intentions, why you want to reconcile, and what you hope to discuss. You might say something like, “I’ve been reflecting on our relationship and my decision to step away. I’d really like to reconnect and talk when you’re ready. I want to talk about what we have both worked on during this time and see if it’s possible to have a healthy relationship.”

Explain your decision. If you want to reconcile, you may need to explain or re-explain your decision to take space. When the time feels right, gently explain why you decided to step away. Be honest but tactful, focusing on your emotions rather than blaming them. You might say something like, “At the time, I felt overwhelmed and needed space because of how our relationship affected me. I want to see if we can work on our communication and find a way to move forward.”

Be prepared for a variety of reactions. They may feel hurt, confused, angry, or relieved by your attempt to reconnect. Some may be open to reconciliation, while others might need more time or may not be ready to engage. Be prepared for any response and give them space to process.

Focus on the future and new positive interactions. While healing the past is important, building a new relationship together is a key component of reconciliation. Once you start reconnecting, aim to create positive experiences together that can help reshape the relationship. Share new experiences, interests, or conversations that can strengthen your bond moving forward.