When You Don’t Go Home for the Holidays

Some of you will decide not to go home for the holidays this year. This might be met with silence, guilt, disappointment, or pressure to change your mind. For some, the decision to opt out comes after years of trying to make the holidays work, keep the peace, meet everyone’s expectations, or maintain traditions while feeling totally depleted. For others, it’s a new and painful reality that you can’t “go home” in the same way anymore.

There are countless reasons people stay home for the holidays. Some of you are protecting your peace after years of dysfunction, abuse, or tension. Or maybe you’re navigating estrangement, grieving, recovering from illness, balancing financial pressures, or managing the realities of raising a family of your own. Some of you are simply choosing something different, such as spending the day with friends who feel like family, traveling to a quiet place, or staying home with your partner or kids to rest and start your own traditions.

Whatever your reason is, you are allowed to shape your life around your current needs and values. This decision doesn’t make you selfish or broken. It means you are paying attention to what is true for you right now.

How to Tell People You Won’t Be Coming

Telling your family you’re not coming home can feel uncomfortable, especially when you anticipate guilt trips or disappointment. You might spend days crafting the perfect explanation that you hope will make everyone understand. Some people are deserving of a long explanation, and for others, a simple, kind statement is enough: “I’m not going to be coming home this year, but I hope you all have a wonderful holiday.” But you don’t owe repeated, detailed defenses of your decision if people refuse to understand or accept it.

You can express care and understanding for others’ disappointment while still holding your boundaries, such as, “I know this might be disappointing, and I’ll miss you too, but this is what I need this year.” People might still try to change your mind, or express hurt or confusion. That doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. It simply means your decision is impacting them, and they’re having their own reaction to it. When you decide not to go home, other people may have feelings about it, and that’s okay. They might feel disappointed, hurt, or confused. They may not understand why this decision feels necessary to you. That doesn’t mean you’ve made the wrong choice. It means they have their own expectations that aren’t being met, and they’re processing that loss in their own way. It’s okay to acknowledge someone else’s disappointment while still standing by your own decision. This is one of the most challenging things to practice during the holidays, but you can genuinely care about how others feel without letting their emotions dictate your decisions or experience.

If you notice that you’re explaining your choice over and over again, hoping that someone will finally say, “I get it,” that’s usually the moment to stop. Continuing to justify yourself often gives people permission to keep arguing their side. You don’t have to keep reopening that door. It’s very common for guilt to surface once you set this boundary. Guilt often shows up as the voice that says you’re being selfish, ungrateful, or dramatic. But guilt doesn’t necessarily mean you’re doing something wrong; it often means you’re doing something new.

It’s Okay to Decide What You Want This Holiday Season

You are allowed to decide what kind of holiday you want to have this year. You may not be spending time with your family in the traditional sense, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have community, connection, meaning, or generosity.

If you aren’t going home, think about how you want to spend that energy instead. You might host a “chosen family” meal with friends, volunteer at a shelter, donate to a local organization, or rest. You might send cards or messages to people you care about, even if you’re not physically with them. You can also find small ways to give back to your community or help someone else feel less alone this season. You may not be sitting around your family’s table, but you can still prioritize building community this season.

Doing Something Different Is Scary

Doing something different this time of year can be unsettling. There’s comfort in routine, even when the routine has caused you pain. You might worry that your family will never invite you again, or that skipping this year will be misunderstood. You might feel a deep sadness that things aren’t the same or how you wish they could be. Try to remind yourself that this choice doesn’t have to be permanent. You’re making a decision based on what’s right for this year and this season of your life. You can always reevaluate later. Life changes, families evolve, and you will, too.

Even when you know this is the right decision, you may still feel complicated emotions. You might miss the idea of “home,” even if it has never been a welcoming place for you. You might feel grateful for the quiet and still wish you had that connection. If those feelings become overwhelming, plan who you can reach out to and how you’ll spend your time that day.

You can love your family and still appreciate your own space. You can appreciate tradition and still choose to create something new. You can grieve what’s not right and still create a version of the holidays that feels real and safe to you. Your decision doesn’t have to make sense to everyone. This season, may you give yourself permission to rest, to redefine, and to remember that home can be something you build wherever you are.