Making the Holidays Your Own

The holidays can highlight everything that's different this year. We may become acutely aware of the people who are gone, the relationships that ended, and the family traditions that no longer fit. Maybe you’re grieving someone this year, navigating illness, estrangement, or financial strain. Or, you’re just tired of pretending that the old way still works for you.

If you’re creating new holiday traditions this year, by choice or by circumstance, you’re not alone. Many people reach a point where the rituals they grew up with no longer reflect who they are or the life they want to live. What once brought comfort can now bring tension, guilt, or grief. And yet, underneath all of that, there’s an opportunity to recreate the holidays in a way that feels meaningful for you and your family now.

Letting Go of the "Perfect" Holiday

The holiday season is filled with pressure to recreate an idealized version of joy. These images can make it hard to step away from traditions that feel obligatory or painful. But the truth is that the “perfect holiday” doesn’t exist. Letting go of the old idea of what the holidays should be allows you to focus on what they can be.

And, our holiday traditions and rituals do carry emotional weight. They connect us to our past and remind us of who we were. They may have been anchors in times of chaos, or they remind us of someone who is no longer here. For some of you, they may have been the only good moments you had with your family growing up.

But when those traditions start to hurt, it’s okay to change them. You’re not abandoning your history or your family. Instead, you’re making space for something that reflects the person you are now. You’re also giving your children and other family members permission to do the same. Generations of your family will thank you for that gift.

Your New Holiday

Start by looking at the things you’ve done every year without question. Which ones feel comforting? Which ones fill you with dread? Which ones could be adapted to better fit your life?

Maybe a family dinner becomes a brunch with friends. Or you keep the music, the lights, and the recipes, but in your own home and on your terms. Traditions that truly fit your life will feel more enjoyable than stressful, appropriate for your stage of life, flexible, and tied to your values, not just your family’s expectations.

A tradition doesnt have to be centuries old. It begins the moment you decide to make something matter. And the best traditions are the ones that respond to the life you actually have, not the one you wish you had. However, it can be challenging for the family to accept that you’re celebrating the holidays differently, especially if that change stirs up their own discomfort or nostalgia. Family members may guilt-trip you for not participating or dismiss your new ideas as unnecessary. Remember that traditions hold emotional meaning, and changing them can feel like a loss to people who don’t want to let go of their own unique relationship with those traditions. You can have compassion for this and still (maybe slowly) adjust your holiday to fit your needs.

Try to communicate clearly and early:

• “I know you love how we’ve done things, and I always did, too. But, I’ve realized that the old routine has been really stressful for me now that we have young kids, and I’d like to try something different this year.”
• “I’m planning a smaller, quieter holiday this season, but I’d love to get together another day.”

You can be understanding, kind, flexible, and stick to what you need. Traditions are not fixed. They grow with us, and the rituals that make sense in one chapter may not fit in the next. If you’re a new parent, newly single, recovering from illness, or grieving a loss, your holidays will naturally evolve, and that’s okay. And, if you’ve done something as a family for a long time, it makes sense that there will be some resistance to change and grief.

You don’t have to repeat cycles of chaos, guilt, or performance every single year because it’s a holiday. You don’t have to attend every event or fix everyone else’s feelings. You don’t even have to “celebrate” in the traditional sense. The holidays you create for yourself are just as valid, sacred, and real as anyone else’s. This is your season, too.