What To Say When Someone Says ‘You’re Dwelling on the Past’

Childhood trauma survivors are no strangers to the phrase, “stop dwelling on the past.” Some people say this to be cruel and dismissive, while others are simply ill-equipped to handle your distress and think they’re being helpful. But this phrase is rarely ever helpful, and it isn’t rooted in the reality of how trauma can be experienced in the present. Here are some ways to respond when someone tells you to “stop dwelling on the past.”

Explanatory Responses

These are useful if you feel safe and want to educate the person and maintain the relationship.

• “I know you mean well, but healing from trauma isn’t about forgetting what happened. I’m trying to understand and work on what happened so I can move forward in a healthier way. I can’t just put it behind me.”
• “For me, the past shows up in the present. It changes how I react, how I feel, and how I relate to others. I’m not stuck there, I’m just trying to understand it so I don’t repeat it.”
• “I’m living in the past because I want to. What happened to me is still affecting me today, and I am trying to work through it.”
• “I wish I could just put it behind me and forget about it. I tried that for a long time and it unfortunately didn’t work. It just made things worse.”

Neutral or Redirecting Responses

These are helpful when you don’t feel safe getting into it or want to avoid further conflict:

• Change the subject to something else.
• “I appreciate that you’re trying to help. I’m working through things in my own way.”
• “I hear you. Thanks for the advice.”

Firm Responses

These are useful when boundaries need to be set clearly or the other person keeps pushing:

• “Telling me to stop dwelling minimizes what I’ve been through. It’s not helpful.”
• “I don’t need advice on this.”
• “I don’t want to talk about this with you.”