Active Listening

Active listening seems easy, but it takes a lot of practice. The International Listening Association defines listening as “the process of receiving, constructing meaning from and responding to spoken and/or nonverbal messages”.

Actively listening builds deep, positive relationships and inspires change without threatening the person who is speaking. Research clearly shows that active listening is one of the most effective ways to promote change in individuals and groups. People who are listened to become more emotionally mature, more open to new experiences, less defensive, more democratic, and less authoritarian.

Active listening includes:

• Sincere interest in the speaker
• Attempting to see the world from their view
• Expressing interest in the speaker’s message with nonverbal clues (nodding, eye contact, body positioning, etc.)
• Asking questions to encourage the speaker to elaborate on their beliefs or feelings

Active Listening Will Help Your Family

Active listening is contagious in a family system. The leaders in the family have to set the standard: In this family, we care about you, and we want to know what you think and feel.

How To Practice Active Listening

• Try to get inside the mind of the speaker. Seek understanding, ask about their point of view and what they are trying to communicate.
• Listen so well that you can see things from their point of view. Instead of asking yourself what you think, try to understand what they’re saying.
• Listen for total meaning, not just to respond. You want to assess the content of the message and the feeling underneath the content.
• Respond to feelings and the content. Do not ignore how someone is saying something.
• Restate. Repeat back what the other person is saying in your own words and confirm that you understand.
• Summarize. Briefly summarize what they said and make sure you have the correct understanding of the situation.
• Give feedback when invited to. Ask before giving advice and wait for the other person to ask for feedback.
• Label emotions. You can ask people how they feel or to confirm what you think they’re feeling.
• Open-ended questions. Ask questions that will allow the other person to expand and explain. Try to be curious.
• Validate. State that you get what they feel that way and that it makes sense.
• Pause. Take a break when needed. If anyone is getting overwhelmed or you’re talking over each other, it’s ok to pause.
• Use I messages. Don’t assume that you know how the other person feels. Use I statements to convey that you are making a guess or trying to understand.
• Redirect or set boundaries when needed. If the conversation is becoming heated or abusive, it’s okay to set boundaries. You are not required to listen when someone is being cruel or disrespectful.

When you actively listen, you are conveying:

• I care and you matter.
• I’m interested.
• I think that what you feel is important.
• I respect your thoughts, even if I don’t agree with them.
• I feel sure that you have a contribution to make.
• I’m not trying to change you or evaluate you.
• I want to understand you.
• I think you’re worth listening to, and I want you to know that I’m the kind of a person you can talk to.

This Is Not Active Listening

When a family member comes to us with a problem, our typical response is to try to change their way of looking at things. We want them to see their situation in a different way. Maybe we think they should be more positive or that their problem isn’t that big of a deal.

We may plead, reason, scold, encourage, insult, prod—anything to bring about a change we think should be happening. Family members have to understand that not everyone sees the world in the same way or wants the same thing. What seems simple to one person, is complicated to another. We have to relinquish our need to influence or family members and stop trying to direct their lives. When we release this pressure, we can listen, understand, and support the people around us.