You Weren’t Too Much. They Just Didn’t Have the Skills

Elise was a deeply feeling child. She cried during movies, noticed when someone’s voice changed, and asked deep questions at inconvenient times. She was also the youngest in a house of four children, the only girl, and the most emotionally expressive by far.

Her parents weren’t cruel, but they were overwhelmed and emotionally immature. Her mother was fragile, easily flooded by stress and quick to shut down. Her father could be charming, but he didn’t tolerate discomfort well, especially big emotional displays. In their home, feelings were either fixed, avoided, or brushed aside.

Elise didn’t fit the mold. When she got upset, her mother would throw her hands in the air and say, “Elise, please. I can't deal with you right now.” Her father would shake his head and mumble, “You’ve got to toughen up. This isn’t a big deal.” If she cried, someone always told her she was being dramatic. Whenever she got excited, someone would always ask her to quiet down.

She was told she was exhausting. Difficult. Too sensitive. Too emotional. Too much. They compared her to her brothers, who seemed to be able to keep their feelings quiet. Why can’t you be more like them?

So Elise started to apologize for her feelings. She learned to scan rooms before speaking, to check other people’s moods before bringing up her own. She held her breath through sadness, smiled when she wanted to fall apart, and stuffed her feelings down.

She was being raised in a home where children were expected to manage their parents’ feelings, not the other way around. If your feelings became too big, it was an inconvenience and a burden.l But no matter how much she shrank herself, she still felt everything.

She just thought she was broken. Too emotional to be lovable. Too needy to be wanted. A burden.

Elise carried this story with her into adulthood. She learned to be the friend who always listened but never shared. The partner who gave everything and asked for nothing. The employee who overachieved. She constantly told herself that she wouldn’t be loved or understood if she showed her true self. So, everything was fine, all the time.

You Weren’t Too Much. They Just Didn’t Have the Skills

Every child has intense emotions. That’s part of being a kid. Children don’t have the tools to self-regulate yet, and they rely on their caregivers to help them understand, name, and express what they’re feeling.

If your parents couldn’t tolerate your emotional world, it doesn’t mean you were too much. It means they didn’t have the capacity.

In emotionally immature households, children are often expected to be small, agreeable, and easy to manage. Big feelings become dangerous. Vulnerability becomes weakness. Needing something from a parent is seen as selfish or dramatic.

But here’s the truth: the problem wasn’t your emotions. The problem was that your parents couldn’t handle theirs.

How to Start Feeling Again

If you grew up like Elise, emotional expression probably feels risky. Maybe even shameful. You might worry that if you let it all out, you’ll overwhelm someone, or that they’ll leave.

Here’s how you begin to heal:

Learn the Signs of Emotional Maturity

Emotionally mature people can handle other people’s feelings without needing to shut them down or make them about themselves. Start by cultivating these traits in yourself and looking for them in others:

Emotionally Mature Behavior Includes:

• Taking responsibility for your actions and words.
• Regulating your emotions without lashing out or shutting down.
• Communicating needs clearly and respectfully.
• Apologizing sincerely and being open to feedback.
• Setting and respecting boundaries.
• Valuing personal growth and self-reflection.

When you begin to model these behaviors yourself, you’ll feel more confident expressing your feelings, and you’ll learn to identify who can hold space for them.

Know When and How to Share Your Emotions

You don’t have to share everything with everyone. You get to decide what to share, when, and with whom. That is emotional maturity.

Ask Yourself:

• Is this a safe person to discuss this topic with?
• Do they have the capacity right now?
• Do I feel safe sharing this, or am I bracing for rejection?
• What do I need, validation, support, advice, or just to be heard?

You can even say:

• “Can I share something that’s been on my mind?”
• “Do you have the space for something emotional right now?”
• “I’m not looking for advice. I just want someone to listen.”

Practice Expressing Emotions Without Shame

If you were taught your feelings were too much, you may tend to downplay them or joke them away. Pay attention to how often you say things like:

• “It’s not a big deal, but…”
• “Lol, I’m just being dramatic.”
• “Never mind, forget I said anything.”

These phrases protect you from rejection, but they also teach others to take you less seriously. Instead, practice saying how you really feel, without an apology.

• “I’m hurt.”
• “I’m feeling overwhelmed today.”
• “I’m excited about this and want to talk about it.”

Accept That Not Everyone Will Understand, and That’s Okay

Some people won’t get it. They may still see your feelings as inconvenient or too intense. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong. It just means they’re not the right person for this moment.

Choose people who meet you with empathy, who listen without fixing, and who respond with care. You don’t need a hundred of these people. One or two is enough.

Rewriting the Story: You Are Not Too Much

The goal of expressing emotions isn’t to be less emotional. It’s to feel seen, known, and understood. You are allowed to take up space with your feelings. You are allowed to need support. You are allowed to cry, to get excited, to grieve, to feel joy, to be human.

Being emotionally mature isn’t about bottling things up or staying calm at all times. It’s about knowing how to express your emotions in ways that are honest, respectful, and self-aware.