Why You Might Feel Like the Problem (Even When You’re Healing)

Adult children of emotionally immature parents often carry the belief that they are the issue. If you could just figure out the right way to say things, the relationship would work. If you could just set the right boundaries, and get your parent to respect them, everything would finally be okay.

There’s a reason you feel this way: you were trained to believe it.

You may have been told you were too dramatic, that you didn’t make sense, or that you just needed to get along. You probably watched your parent get along with neighbors, coworkers, or strangers, making you wonder: Why can’t I just figure this out?

Meanwhile, you saw them dodge accountability, charm their way out of problems, and walk away from situations without consequences, while you were left with racing thoughts, self-blame, and painfully low self-esteem.

It makes complete sense that you’d feel like the problem when you’ve been framed as the problem your entire life. This isn’t faulty thinking, it’s by design.

If you are always the problem, they are never the problem. If you’re the one who needs to change, they never have to. And if you’re the only person who “has an issue” with them, clearly it must be you… right?

This belief doesn’t just disappear when you start healing.Even after you create distance or start setting boundaries, you might find yourself slipping back into old thought patterns:

• Maybe if I just try one more time…
• If I explain it better, they’ll understand.
• It’s me. I’m the problem.

This mental loop is a hallmark of growing up in an emotionally immature family system. It’s familiar, and in a strange way, it can feel safer than facing the reality of how your parent operates.

What to Do When You Feel Like You’re the Problem

Here are strategies to help you break out of the self-blame spiral with your emotionally immature parent:

1. Name the Pattern Out Loud
When the “it’s all my fault” voice starts, label it: This is my emotionally immature parent training talking. Separating the thought from your identity weakens its power.

2. Ask Yourself: “Who Benefits from Me Believing This?”
This question is grounding. If the belief that you’re the problem protects your parent from change or accountability, it’s not a truth, it’s a tactic.

3. Gather Evidence
Write down situations where you’ve acted with clarity, kindness, and fairness. Compare them with your parent’s patterns of behavior. This helps you see the full picture, not just the one they’ve curated for you.

4. Reality-Check with Safe People
Talk to friends, a therapist, or support group members who understand emotionally immature dynamics. They can help you spot gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and projection you might miss in the moment.

5. Reframe “If I Try Harder” Thinking
When you catch yourself planning your “next attempt” to fix things, pause. Ask: If this were a healthy relationship, would this much effort be required for basic respect?

6. Give Yourself Permission to Be Neutral
You don’t have to prove your parent is “the problem” or that you’re “the good one.” You can step out of the blame game entirely and focus on your own well-being.

Expect This To Happen

Feeling like you’re the problem is a predictable response to growing up with an emotionally immature parent. It’s not a reflection of your worth or your effort; it’s a reflection of the environment you were raised in. The more you can see the pattern for what it is, the more freedom you have to step out of it.