How to Respond When a Parent Says: “After everything I’ve done for you…”

This phrase, “After everything I’ve done for you,” is often used to guilt you into silence or compliance. It places the focus on what they gave, not on how you were treated, or how you're feeling now. Here are some different ways you can respond.

• “I’m not trying to ignore or erase what you’ve done. I’m trying to talk about how I felt growing up and what I need now.”
• “I’m grateful for the ways you showed up, and I also need to talk about this.”
• “I won’t keep having this conversation if every time I share something, it turns into a list of what you did for me.”
• “I’m not trying to keep score, and I appreciate everything you’ve done. I just want a relationship where both of us feel heard. Can we try to do that?”
• “I know you did the best you could with what you had. And still, some of those things impacted me in ways I’m trying to work on. Both can be true.”
• “I’m not going to defend my feelings anymore. If you’re not ready to hear them, that’s okay. I can’t keep pretending everything is fine.”
• Silence. Do not respond. Change the subject.