I don't know where they end and I begin.

“My mother will not stop calling me to vent about my dad,” Andrea tells me as I watch her on my screen.

Growing up, her mother told her everything. There were no limits to the disclosure - sex, marital problems, family drama, and money issues were all fair game. Her mother celebrated the dependency and constantly praised her “mini therapist.” She hated seeing her mother upset, so she comforted her when she cried. She knew her mother had no one else to talk to, so she listened when she needed to vent. She knew her mother was working two jobs, so she took on the stress of worrying about finances. She knew her parents were having marital issues, so she tried to fill that void.

There is no distinction between where her mother ends and where she begins. She absorbs her fears, hopes, dreams, and failures. If she tries to distance herself from her mother, she’ll be rejected, so she keeps her close instead.

“If I try to set a boundary with her, she won’t speak to me for a week. The last time I told her I had plans with my friends, she accused me of not caring about her and ghosted me. I had to show up at her house to make sure she was ok” she tells me.

Andrea thought they had a close relationship until she started reading about enmeshment.