What to Say When Family Doesn't Understand the Distance
Phrasing for adult children of distant provider fathers.
When you have a distant relationship with a father who provided, other people often do not get it. They assume that it should add up to closeness. It helps to have a few lines ready, so you are not caught off guard and pulled into defending yourself. Here are a few for different moments and different people. You should make these your own rather than saying them verbatim, especially if they do not sound like something you would say. Your tone is usually more important than your words, so you can consider how you would say this and what you would say.
1. To answer “but he gave you everything.”
“He did work hard. I am appreciative of everything he gave me, and we still can’t have a close relationship right now.”
“I know Dad provided for me, and I am grateful for it. We never really got to know each other, and I am working through it.”
2. To shut it down
“I know you see it differently. I don’t want to talk about my relationship with my dad.”
“It is complicated. How are things with you?”
3. To open the conversation
“I know it is confusing from the outside. Can I tell you what it was like for me? I think it would help you understand.”