How to Talk About The Father Wound

It can be hard to name how your father impacted you. You feel the wound, but you cannot describe it. That is not a sign that you are wrong; it might just be because no one in your family or culture has the vocabulary you need. You cannot choose how to respond to a wound you cannot put into words. You have to be able to describe what happened before you can decide what you want now.

Finish the Sentence

• The thing I most needed from him and did not get was ____.
• He was the kind of father who ____.
• The version of him I show other people is ____. The version I actually had was ____.
• When I think about my father, the feeling underneath is ____.
• The conversation I keep waiting for him to start is ____.
• The thing I am still hoping he will notice is ____.
• If I am being honest about the relationship, it is ____.

Words to use carefully

Some words seem like they should fit, but they just keep you from getting to the real description.

“Distant.”

This is true, but it is also a word people use to make it sound benign. Distant from what?

“He did his best.”

Maybe he did. That can be true, and the wound can still be real.

“Old school.”

This is a culture-level explanation that does not name what specifically happened to you. Try naming the specific thing he could not do.

“He just wasn’t very emotional.”

Many men are not openly emotional and still have a close relationship with their children. Lack of emotional expression is not the wound.

“Complicated.”

Complicated is a placeholder when you do not know what to say.