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When A Parent Won't Apologize

How To Respond To Denial, Minimization, And Rewriting History

April 15th, 2024

An adult child may be accused of “rewriting history” when they bring up a memory or feeling that contradicts the parent’s memory of that situation.

Adult mother and son

Some of you may approach your parent for an apology and be met with denial, minimization, or rewriting of history. Knowing how to respond to and navigate these types of defenses skillfully is important.

  1. Denial is a defense mechanism. The individual refuses to recognize or acknowledge objective facts or experiences. It’s an unconscious process that serves to protect the person from discomfort or anxiety.
  2. Minimization occurs when we frame something to be lesser than it is by denying or dismissing its significance.
  3. An adult child may be accused of “rewriting history” when they bring up a memory or feeling that contradicts the parent’s memory of that situation.

When a parent is denying or minimizing an experience that you know to be true for you, there are a couple of ways you can approach this:

  1. Disengage completely from the conversation and interaction. Some people are never going to agree with you and your experience, memory, or perspective. Continuing to try to convince them may only harm you further and will likely not improve the situation. If you have attempted to discuss this with them several times and they continue to meet you with denial, it might be time to accept that you cannot convince this person to see your side or to validate your experience.
  2. Allow them to ask questions. Sometimes, the parent needs to understand further what you are experiencing or what you remember. Allowing them to ask respectful questions can be a good way to explain your feelings and memories further. You may want to do this with a therapist or a support person present if explaining this situation is causing intense anxiety, flashbacks, or other symptoms.
  3. Write out your thoughts in advance. The more secure you are in your experience and your feelings about the experience, the better equipped you will be to explain yourself.
  4. Remind yourself that it is possible that you both have different memories and experiences related to the situation. In some situations, this is a reasonable option and can be helpful. In others, there is no denying what happened and no possibility for this type of acceptance. Use your discretion.