The Voice of Your Inner Scapegoat

You can leave the house and still hear it.

You send an email with a typo, and the sentence in your head is your mother's, in her exact tone. You never pay attention. You always do this. Your partner asks a neutral question about the dishes, and you are already defending yourself. Something goes wrong at work, and before anyone says a word, you have already decided it was your fault.

You moved out, set limits, and maybe even stopped talking to your family altogether. But the blame still followed you. This article will show you how that happens and what you can do about the voice.

How the Family's Voice Becomes Your Own

Criticism that a child hears over and over tends to become the way that child speaks to themselves. In one study that followed children into adulthood, self-criticism at age twelve predicted fewer years of education, dissatisfaction with being a parent, and more difficulty adjusting as adults. A smaller study of girls and their mothers found a path from a mother's dissatisfaction to coldness, from coldness to insecure attachment, and from there to self-criticism.

You weren't just criticized. You were the explanation for every problem. Your inner critic doesn't just say “you made a mistake,” it says “this is what you always do, and this is why everything always goes wrong.” If you grew up as the target, you learned to scan for blame. Now you find it everywhere, including where it isn't.

Psychologist Paul Gilbert found that "self-criticism is not a single process but has different forms, functions, and underpinning emotions." One form focuses on feeling inadequate and dwelling on mistakes. It is harsh, but it is often trying to push you to do better. The other form involves disgust with yourself and a wish to punish or hurt yourself for failing. In his research, that second form was the more harmful one.

Many scapegoats recognize the second kind of criticism. It doesn't want you to improve. It wants you to feel bad. If your critic sounds less like a strict coach and more like someone who can't stand you, that is likely the inner voice of the scapegoat.

What Helps

The instinct is often to argue with your inner critic or try to drown it out with affirmations. You’ve probably noticed that neither of those approaches work very well. The research on self-criticism shows that building a second voice works best. A review of 27 randomized trials of self-compassion interventions found a moderate drop in self-criticism, along with less depression, anxiety, and rumination. A review of compassion-focused therapy found it helped with building self-compassion and the ability to reassure yourself. You’re not trying to make the critic disappear; you just want to have another voice to listen to when it won’t stop talking. Speaking directly to your inner critic has also shown promising results.

This is what that looks like in practice:

1. Notice whose voice it is.
2. Ask what it wants. Is it trying to help you do better, or does it just want you to feel bad?
3. Answer it the way a fair friend would. I made a mistake. That's all that happened.

You Left, and You're Still Being Blamed

For scapegoats who have stepped away from their family, the inner critic sounds slightly different: You abandoned them. You're the one who tore the family apart. A good daughter wouldn't do this. Sometimes the family is actually saying this to you, and sometimes it is just in your head. Unfortunately, you can hold onto this role even when you take distance. In the family's story, you were the problem when you were there, and now you're the problem for leaving.

Is it possible that you are actually the cause of all the family’s problems if you don’t even have contact with them?

Is it realistic to believe you are disrupting them this much without even speaking to them?

Probably not. And this is the biggest sign that the role really wasn’t about you. It was about the family needing someone to blame so that they did not need to face the problems.

Grieving the Family You Didn't Get

Stepping out of the role of the scapegoat can bring up some really confusing grief. When researcher Kylie Agllias interviewed adult children who were estranged from a parent, they said they "missed having a family and the benefits of such a relationship." But most of them said they did not miss their own family or the person they were estranged from. You can hold both: I'm relieved I'm not the problem anymore, and I'm grieving the family I needed.

You may realize that closer contact with your family is something that you want, but you can’t do that without taking on more of the blame for the family. You shouldn’t have to choose between closeness and blame.

This week's worksheet will help you work through the voice in your head. Bring what comes up to the Wednesday group on October 21, and we will discuss it.