How to Resist the Pull Back

This month, so many members in our Calling Home groups have shared versions of the same story. They left home, set boundaries, tried to change how they interacted, or put real distance between themselves and their family, and then found themselves playing the exact same part somewhere else. They became the person at work who gets blamed when a project goes wrong. They ended up with a partner who criticized them the way a parent did. They were the friends who were always "too much." And several people alluded to something that can be really hard to admit: on some level, they went looking for it, because it felt more comfortable than the alternative.

If that sounds familiar, it doesn't mean you're broken or that you want to be mistreated. It just means this is the role you know and that you have been conditioned to play. It can take some time to step out of it and to resist the pull back into it.

Why the Role Can Feel Comfortable

People tend to look for relationships that confirm what they already believe about themselves, even when what they believe is painful. In one study of married couples, people who saw themselves positively were more committed to spouses who saw them positively. People who saw themselves negatively were more committed to spouses who saw them negatively. The researchers explained that "self-concepts allow people to predict (and thus control) the responses of others."

For a scapegoat, being blamed is predictable. You know the rules. You know what to do when someone is disappointed in you, because you've done it your whole life. Being treated well can feel strange or even suspicious, because you don't know what it will cost you later. So without meaning to, you may gravitate toward the boss who is never satisfied, the partner who is always a little annoyed with you, or the friend group that needs someone to be the problem.

You may also notice yourself stepping into the role without anyone actively putting you there. You apologize first. You take the blame for the team. You assume the tension in the room is about you. Kids who are targeted learn to scan for blame, and that habit doesn't just switch off when you leave home.

Where the Pull Shows Up

At work. You're the one who gets called out in meetings, takes on the impossible project, or absorbs a manager's frustration. You may find that the boss who is hardest on you is the one you work hardest to please.

In romantic relationships. Your partner's criticism feels normal. You defend yourself against things that weren't said. You are always the problem in the relationship or the one who needs to do better.

In friendships and groups. You're the one people vent about, the one who has to keep proving you're not difficult, or the one who smooths things over so everyone else can be comfortable.

A good test is to ask yourself: Does this feel bad but familiar?

Resisting the Pull Outside the Family

You don't have to overhaul your whole life at once. Many people start small.

1. Notice when you volunteer for the role. Before you apologize, take the blame, or offer to fix it, pause and ask whether it's actually yours.
2. Pay attention to who you're drawn to. If the people you feel most at home with tend to criticize you, pay attention. It isn't a reason to leave everyone, just a reason to look more closely to that pattern.
3. Let some relationships feel unfamiliar. The partner, coworker, or friend who doesn't need you to be the problem may feel boring or uncomfortable at first. That discomfort doesn’t mean the relationship is bad; sometimes it can mean the opposite.

The Pull Back Into the Family

The pull back into your family tends to be strongest at three moments: the holidays, a family crisis, and right after you set a limit. In a survey of 807 people estranged from family, 90 percent said the holiday season was challenging. The family may respond to your distance with: "You are wrong," then "Change back, and we will accept you again," and then "If you don't change back, these are the consequences." The pull also comes from our cultural assumption that families should be together. Your own guilt and hope can also pull you back in when nothing has changed about the family.

If You Want a Relationship Without the Scapegoat Role

Many scapegoats want their family in their life. They just don't want to keep being the problem. That is possible in some families, and it usually boils down to several small choices and adjustments.

• Shorter, more structured contact. Lunch instead of the whole weekend. A set time, a set place, and a way to leave.
• One-on-one time with the people who don't put you in the role. You may have a sibling, aunt, or parent you can be yourself with.
• Not arguing the old story. Your family may never agree with you about the past. You can stop defending yourself without agreeing with them.
• Declining the job. You don't take the blame for the mood in the room, and you don't apologize for things you didn't do.
• A plan before you go. Write it in an if-then format. If my mom brings up my childhood at dinner, then I will change the subject. Across 94 studies, plans written this way helped people follow through, especially when they were rehearsed.
• Pairing a limit with something you will do. I won't be there for the whole weekend. I'd love to have lunch on Saturday. In behavioral research, pushback after a change was less common when something else was offered at the same time.

If Distance Is the Only Way Out

For some people, the family needs the role so much that the only way to stop playing it is to not be there. Unfortunately, distance doesn't make the pull disappear completely. It often shows up as guilt, your inner critic, or as a message around the holidays. Refusing to step back into the scapegoat role may include deciding ahead of time what you will do if they reach out, who you will call, and how you will take care of yourself on the hard days.

This week's worksheet walks you through where the role still shows up for you, the moments you're most likely to get pulled back in, and helps you plan for those moments. Bring what comes up to the Wednesday group on October 28, and we will discuss it!