How to Decline the Job
Sometimes, the best response is no response. These scripts help you refuse the job of being the scapegoat.
In a family that needs a problem, the scapegoat has a job. You absorb the blame, you become the explanation for the family's stress, and your struggles keep everyone from looking at anything else. These scripts are for declining the job. If you are dealing with a family that responds with threats or abuse, these are not the scripts for that situation.
Sometimes, the best response is no response. You can refuse to play the role by not engaging with people who try to put you in it.
Use this when a family member says you've always been difficult, or brings up your childhood struggles as proof.
“I did struggle with that. There was a lot going on with me and I don’t think anyone realized at the time.”
Use this when something goes wrong and they try to blame you.
“I can see everyone's stressed. I don't think this is about me.”
Use this when someone uses a brother or sister as an example of how you should be.
“We're different people, and we had different experiences growing up.”
Use this when a family member expects you to apologize, smooth things over, or take responsibility so everyone else can calm down.
“I'm not going to apologize for something I didn't do. I'm happy to talk when things feel calmer.”
Use this when your reaction becomes the topic instead of what caused it.
“I'm reacting to what was said. I'd like to talk about that first.”