How To Tell Everyone You're Done Playing Your Role In The Dysfunction

If we want to disrupt the dysfunction and create new generational patterns, we have to adjust (or completely abandon) those old roles.

For many of you, there will come a time when pretending is absolutely no longer sustainable. You can’t continue pretending that your mom isn’t drinking away her pain. You can’t sit by while your brother continues to disrespect you in front of your children. You can’t keep silent about the mountain of family secrets. You’re done pretending. You’re ready to do something different.

Now comes the hard part, actually doing things different and sustaining that progress in the face of opposition.

What To Do When Pretending Is No Longer An Option

When you’ve decided that you can no longer pretend, you may be wondering what your options are. There are a few things you can do, from simple boundaries to complete cut off. You may decide to do one or a few of these things.

• Set boundaries around the behavior. Once you have identified the behavior(s) that you can no longer ignore, it may be possible to set boundaries around them without completely cutting family out of your life. For example, if your parents have a very dysfunctional marriage and they try to include you in that dynamic, you can set boundaries around their behavior when you’re present, you can stop discussing their marital discord with them, and you can stop getting involved or playing peacemaker. Making these changes will ultimately change the dynamic between the three of you and stop you from participating in this part of the dysfunction.
• Announce your departure. When you decide to no longer play a role, it may be necessary to let people know what you’re doing or no longer doing. You can kindly and directly explain how the dysfunction is hurting you, what role you will no longer be playing in it, and how you plan to take ownership of your own behavior. There might be pushback at this stage and that is ok.
• Temporary or permanent cut-off. In some cases, the dysfunction is physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. Sometimes it’s absolutely impossible to maintain a relationship and stop pretending. It is okay to end these relationships and save yourself. These dynamics require pretending, and you may not be able to have any type of relationship while this type of behavior is happening.

There is a profound loneliness that comes with being the one who notices the dysfunction in your family.

How To Explain That You’re Done Pretending

Yes, there are situations where the dysfunction gets so bad (or dangerous) that you need to disappear and leave the family dynamic. But, in most situations, I tend to err on the side of clearly and respectfully sharing that you will no longer be participating in a dynamic or that you are setting a boundary.

Here are some examples:

• "If you are going to drink, I will not bring my children to your house."
• "I cannot help you with your marriage problems. I hope you are able to figure this out between the two of you."
• "You are raising your voice at me. I am going to hang up now. Let's discuss this another time when can both stay calm."
• "Last Christmas there was a lot of yelling and insulting each other. I take responsibility for my part in that and I am not going to put myself in that position again. I will be spending the holiday with a friend this year. I hope we can work on communicating in a healthier way."
• "Please do not talk to me about your problems with my sister. I think it would be best if you call her and let her know how you feel."

The goal here is to clearly name the problem and what you will no longer do or tolerate. Keep it simple, clear, and focus on your part.

What To Do When People Want You To Keep Pretending

There are always going to be those family members who want you to just get over it because it’s family. They have their reasons for this, and we can certainly empathize. And, this doesn’t mean that you have to give in to the pressure. If someone in your family is upset that you’re no longer participating in the dysfunction, remember:

• You know why you’re taking this step.
• You are trying to create new patterns for your current and future family.
• The dysfunction was costing you too much.
• Someone has to be the first to change if the family is going to change,
• Being the cycle breaker is lonely at first. It will get better.
• Nothing is forever. Give people their own time to work through their own relationship with the dysfunction.
• It’s human nature to want family to be close and to be functional. Some people will give up on their own needs and wants to have the facade of a “happy family.”

How To Deal With The Isolation That Comes With Being A Cycle Breaker

There is a profound loneliness that comes with being the one who notices the dysfunction in your family. You may wish you could just go on pretending because at least the pretending came with a sense that you are a group. But did you really belong if you were just pretending?

When the loneliness starts to set in:

• Remind yourself why you’re doing this. What is your why?
• Find someone who can relate. Go on discussion boards, follow accounts on social media and read the comments, or talk to a friend who you know has been through this.
• Talk to a therapist. Professional support can be really helpful during this transition.
• Look for a support group in your area. Alanon or codependency groups can be helpful.
• Write down your thoughts.
• Get out around people, even if they’re strangers. Go sit in a coffee shop, take a walk, or go shopping. Get yourself around people and have small interactions like smiling and thanking the barista.
• Remember what was happening when you were pretending everything was fine. What was the cost of that decision?
• Start planning your new family culture.