How To Keep The Peace In A Dysfunctional Family

Over the course of my career, I have noticed that the families I work with tend to fall along a spectrum of functional to dysfunctional - with a lot of variety in between those two poles.

The most successful families look something like this: They have conflict, but they’re able to manage it. They enjoy being around each other for the most part (in the right doses) and are accepting of their members' differences. These families may still be challenged at certain points in the family life cycle and they find a way to come together in the end. They still get annoyed by one another and don’t always agree. They know when to bring things up and how to do it in a compassionate way.

Then there are the families who are skilled pretenders. These families appear to get along, all share the same interests, and never have any conflict. They do not bring up issues or hurts with one another and everything is always “fine.” There is probably not a lot of closeness, but everything is calm. Family members may feel like they don’t really know one another or like they’ll never really be accepted. They want to be close, but there is often a culture of “don’t rock the boat.” Some families are ok with this and this is the optimal level of functioning for them.

On the far end of the spectrum are highly dysfunctional families that are characterized by physical or emotional abuse, manipulation, and high levels of conflict. These families may desperately want to be close but struggle with managing conflict and repair, making it almost impossible to achieve that closeness.

Not All Pretending Is Bad Pretending

In the age of “Instagram therapy,” (which I am complicit in), we see a lot of content like “leave any situation that threatens your peace” or “anyone that doesn’t accept you doesn’t deserve you!” And I agree on paper, but this just isn’t possible for so many people. There are families that live together because they cannot afford another option. There are disabled and chronically ill adults that have to live with family because they cannot care for themselves. There are people in new cities or countries who don’t know the language or anyone else. Pointing out all dysfunction and deciding to leave your family isn’t something everyone can do right in this moment. For some people it truly isn’t safe.

If you feel like pointing out the dysfunction in your family is dangerous, pretending everything is fine, while working on yourself, may be your best option. This pretending is not like the denial I described last week. This type of pretending may be a survival strategy. I am not saying anyone should accept abuse because it’s the safer option. We just have to find safety before calling out this type of behavior. There are ways to manage family dysfunction while also maintaining your safety.

• Identify who in your family does not have the emotional maturity or skills to hear you out. If there is someone who meets any criticism or boundaries with violence, emotional manipulation, control, etc., this may be someone who is not your ally in transforming the dysfunction. You may not be able to change them.
• Focus on changing your role in the dysfunction. This might mean no longer participating in certain arguments or discussions, not attending certain events, etc.
• Find your allies. Look for the people in your family and friends who see what you see and can validate your perspective. Find people who know you’re not “crazy” and will support you when other family members push back.
• Know that your safety is always a priority. Do what you need to keep yourself safe while you plan your healing. This may mean finding other living arrangements, working with a therapist, contacting a domestic violence or suicide hotline, or accessing community services.

In some families, the only way to transform your family is to work on yourself and find support that isn’t connected to you by blood or the title of “family” in the traditional sense.

It’s Not Always Worth Bringing It Up

Every family gets annoyed with each other, disagrees, and has different values. Even in families where there is a lot of repair and relatively low conflict, people have issues with each other. I am going to speak to the families where there isn’t abuse, neglect, or rampant conflict. This will not apply to families with abuse or extreme dysfunction.

If you have this type of family system, deciding not to bring up every single annoyance and issue is not the same thing as pretending. It is okay to have surface-level conversations with some people. It’s okay to decide not to talk about politics with that one uncle you see once a year. It is ok to spend the holidays at your in-laws' house at little bit annoyed but otherwise ok. I think sometimes we take this a little bit too far and assume that to be around family we have to agree on everything, all love to do the same thing, and never have any disagreements. This is absolutely not feasible.

Sometimes we have to accept our family members for who they are and what they can offer us. This does not mean accepting abuse, homophobia, racism, etc. It simply means no longer going to the orange store to buy apples when it comes to your family. We have to find a way to access the benefits of being with our family (support, connection to something greater than ourselves, culture, history, etc.), while also accepting who they are.

There are also situations in families that tend to not be discussed over and over because they’re just too painful. Some examples: an estranged family member not being present, a family member struggling with addiction, divorce, or a recent death, People will pretend things are fine on holidays or at an event simply because they need a break. They need to feel like things are normal. This is ok and even beneficial in small doses. It gets bad when it becomes a consistent coping strategy and things are continuously pushed under the rug.

Here is an example of “sustainable pretending” and “unsustainable pretending”

• “Sustainable” Pretending: There is a member of the family who is struggling with addiction and they will not be present at your holiday dinner. Leading up to the holiday, everyone shares their grief about this, supports each other, and recognizes that they wish it could be different. Attempts have been made to help this person and include them. On the day of the holiday, everyone notices their absence and is of course sad about this reality. There are random mentions of, “I wish he could have been here,” and support is offered. The family decides to make the best of their holiday. They laugh and enjoy each other’s company. The family knows that they can hold space for both feelings. They are allowed to enjoy themselves and wish things were different.
• “Unsustainable” Pretending: There is a member of the family who is struggling with addiction and they come to the holiday dinner. This person is actively using, treating others disrespectfully, and nodding off at the table. No one ever speaks about the issue and this day is no different. This person continues their behavior while everyone pretends that it is not happening. It’s difficult for anyone to discuss how they’re feeling because that would mean acknowledging the problem. Everyone sits in silence at the table. After dinner, no one mentions what happened and they act as if everything is fine and normal. They go back to pretending the problem doesn’t exist every day.

I Don’t Want To Pretend I Like My Family

There may be some of you reading this thinking: I get nothing but pain from being around my family. That is the reality for many people and you are absolutely not alone. If this is the case for you, it is ok to find support elsewhere. Your friendships, pets, children, neighbors, colleagues, and community can become your family. They can be the people who provide you with a connection to something greater than yourself. They can help you redefine your culture and begin writing a new story. Blood is not thicker than water when it means subjecting yourself to hate or abuse.

At what point does being away from your family bring you more benefit than being around them? Only you can make that decision.

Take a moment to work through these questions about your “family:”

• What qualities do they have that are hard for me to accept or be around?
• What do I wish I could change about them?
• What do I enjoy or appreciate about them?
• What tasks or issues are they able to help me with?
• When in my life have they shown up for me in a way that I liked and appreciated?
• What situations tend to be hard for them to handle?
• Are there any events from childhood that are hard for me to forget or reconcile as an adult?
• Are certain members of my family more supportive than others?
• Are certain members of my family more harmful than others?

You will likely notice some themes as you work through these questions. It’s helpful to use this information to develop a blueprint for the type of relationship you want to have and the type of relationship you can have with your family or different members of the family.

Unfortunately, we often create an image of what we wish our family would look like in our minds. Then we consistently set ourselves up for disappointment when we go to them with something they cannot handle or are unwilling to handle.

Here are some situations I routinely hear about as a therapist:

• I want my family members to validate my feelings, so I keep going to them for support when I’m upset…only to be rejected.
• I want my family members to validate my career choice, so I keep trying to explain myself to them…only to be rejected.
• I want my family members to help me financially, so I keep begging them to recognize how much I am struggling…only to be rejected.
• I want my family members to acknowledge the trauma I endured as a child, so I keep explaining to them how hurt I am…only to be rejected.
• I want my family members to keep me safe, so I keep going to them for protection…only to be rejected or harmed.