How To Bring Up Family Dysfunction And Own Your Role In The Pretending

If you’re reading this, I bet you are this person in your family. You are the one who noticed the dysfunction, and now it feels like you’re going to scream if you don’t say something or do something about it.

But how do you even begin to bring up something that’s been going on for so long? How do you convince people this is worth their attention? How do you make someone see what they’re unwilling to see? What do you do if no one cares? What do you do if you bring it up and they abandon you?

How To Bring Up Family Dysfunction

Bringing up family dysfunction with other members of the family is difficult for a few reasons:

1. We often fear we will hurt other people’s feelings if we point out what is happening.
2. If we bring up the dysfunction, we must also take responsibility for our role and possibly change.
3. There may be a fear of retribution or punishment for bringing these things up.
4. People tend to get very defensive when talking about family issues. This can be scary.

Before we start, I want to clarify that these steps and tools can only be used in families where safety is possible. If you are a member of a family system where physical violence and emotional abuse are happening, I highly recommend working with a therapist before trying to utilize any of these skills. Your safety is very important. If you think, “I’m worried about my safety if I bring this up,” it’s likely not the right time to take this step.

Before Bringing Up The Dysfunction

• Identify exactly what you want to talk about. I recommend getting very specific and picking one thing to focus on. It can be tempting to bring up all the dysfunction at once, but this can be overwhelming and stressful for the family system. Pick one topic, and remember that you can always have more conversations.
• Prepare. You need to go into this conversation feeling calm and confident. I always suggest people write down what they want to say and practice saying it. When the topic is highly emotional or triggering, practice helps bring down the intensity. Here are some questions you may want to ask yourself:
  • Who is involved in this issue? Who do I want to include in this conversation?
  • What is the pattern or issue that keeps happening?
  • When does this usually happen?
  • How does this make me feel?
  • Why do I want to talk about this?
  • What is the goal of this conversation?
  • What is a potential solution for this issue?
  • What is my role in this problem?
  • How might the other person(s) view this issue?
• Be prepared to take a break if needed. Do not feel like you have to solve this problem in one sitting. These issues have been happening for a long time and will take time to fix.

Bringing Up The Dysfunction

Here are some tips for starting this conversation.

• Only involve the people who need to be involved. If someone is not involved in a particular issue, they don’t need to be there.
• Try to have a realistic and positive perspective. If you go into the discussion assuming that no one cares and everyone is out to get you, that is the energy you will give off. Try to assume that everyone involved wants a healthy and functional family, even if they have a different perspective.
• Give everyone room to speak. If you are going to bring up a family pattern, you need to be willing to hear everyone’s perspective. Take turns and practice active listening. The more you model this behavior, the more others will participate.
• Be prepared to own your part. More on this later, but know that you will need to address how you have been maintaining this pattern. (This of course does not apply to abusive dynamics and some nuance is required there).
• Be respectful, calm, and honest. Try to say things in the kindest, most empathetic manner. Remember, your goal is to help the family become healthier and more functional. Your goal is not to harm your family members.
• Stay focused. When there is a lot of family chaos, it’s easy to get distracted and bring up other issues. Stay focused on the current topic and remember that you can discuss other things later.
• Identify your boundaries for this conversation. If people start to engage in gaslighting, name-calling, etc., you can end the conversation and explain why you are choosing to walk away at this time.
• Be prepared for differing perspectives and some defensiveness. There are certain topics that will evoke a strong emotional response. Everyone is entitled to their feelings and perspective as long as it is expressed respectfully.

Owning Your Part In The Dysfunction

Every family member has their own role(s) and they participate in maintaining the dysfunction (even if this participation is outside of their own awareness and involuntary). For some people, this sounds like “the dysfunction or abuse or neglect is my fault.” That’s not what this means. It’s just an acknowledgment that families are systems with connected parts. If you want to change the system, you have to create change in the parts. This also only applies to adult + adult relationships.

When speaking about adult relationships, we must operate from a place of agency and personal responsibility, or we’ll feel helpless. Take a moment to think about these questions and your potential role(s):

1. Are you the focus of the family’s energy? Do you feel like they’re always trying to “fix” something about you?
2. Do you try to save everyone in the family from their own problems?
3. Are you an overachiever who is desperate to have a normal family image?
4. Do people view you as a “problem” in the family? Are they always talking about what you’re doing wrong?
5. Do you try to make everything a joke and lighten the mood while distracting from the problem?
6. Do you wish you could just disappear and not deal with this problem?

We must reflect on our participation and change our role in this dynamic. This is how you become the change you wish to see in your family.

When Nothing Works

Honestly, everything I just described to you works well in ideal situations. That is the most challenging part about pointing out family dysfunction. If you want to make a change, the other people involved have to be open and willing to listen, learn something new, and change their behavior. It doesn’t always work like that.

When people bring up dysfunctional family patterns, they’re often met with defensiveness, gaslighting, the silent treatment, or other types of avoidance. This is why changing family patterns can become a lonely pursuit. You can bring up the issue calmly and maturely and still be met with dysfunction. That is ok and expected.

If you are going to be the cycle breaker in your family, you need to be prepared for discomfort. I can’t stress this enough: If you are met with pushback, this doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It means that people are integrating what you said. It means they’re uncomfortable. It means you’re in transition.

If the initial conversation doesn’t go well, ask yourself:

• Was I clear and respectful?
• Did I own my part in this dynamic?
• Am I actively working on being a participant in the change I want to see?
• Did I make room for other perspectives?
• Did I listen?

If you did all of these things, pause and wait for people to integrate this information in their own time. You never know what will happen. It’s important to remember that you’ve been thinking about this and planning it for quite some time. This might be the first time your family member(s) are acknowledging this issue.

While You Wait

While you wait for the other person to absorb this information, you may need to protect yourself and your peace. It’s important to consider what boundaries need to be in place during this time. You may need to set boundaries around your time, space, and the topics you will discuss.

You will also want to be careful not to slip back into old family patterns. Remember, the family will want to seek comfort over growth (especially if that growth threatens some member(s) of the family system). This is the hard part; you may grow while they stay put.

• How can you be the change you wish to see in the system?
• What patterns are you worried about slipping back into?
• If no one else changes, how will you evolve?
• How will you protect your emotional and physical safety during this transition?
• How can you compassionately and clearly communicate what you need from the people in your life at this time?