How Do I Say This?: Setting Boundaries With Family Dysfunction

Your family is dysfunctional, and you need to set boundaries.

Try something like this:

• "If you are going to drink, I will not bring my children to your house."
• "I cannot help you with your marriage problems. I hope you are able to figure this out between the two of you."
• "You are raising your voice at me. I am going to hang up now. Let's discuss this another time when we can both stay calm."
• "Last Christmas there was a lot of yelling and insulting each other. I take responsibility for my part in that and I am not going to put myself in that position again. I will be spending the holiday with a friend this year. I hope we can work on communicating in a healthier way."
• "Please do not talk to me about your problems with my sister. I think it would be best if you call her and let her know how you feel."

As always, you can only control how you deliver this message. If you have a family member who is unwilling or unable to listen or reflect, you may be met with rejection, anger, or denial. If these statements do not work with your family members, it might be more about their inability to be reflective or emotionally mature and not about how you said what you said. And some people need time to understand and reflect. Use your own discretion here and know when to stop trying to get them to see your side.