Radical Acceptance Is Not Letting Them Off the Hook

Whenever I speak about radically accepting your family or a family member, people often say something like, “I don’t want them to think what they did was okay.”

Somewhere along the way, we incorrectly equated acceptance with endorsement and zero accountability.

If I accept that my dad is using drugs, that means I think it is ok.

If I accept my brother’s wife, it means I like her parenting style.

If I accept my mom, it means that I think the way she treats me is fine.

You can accept reality and refuse to endorse or validate a behavior, and I am going to teach you how to do that. But first, I want you to consider this question: If my family never changes, what do I want our relationships to look like?

When I work with adults who are struggling with their family relationships, many of them say things like, “If my mom would just stop doing this, then our relationship would be okay.”

Yes, everyone is capable of change (sometimes with limits). But that doesn’t mean people want to change, that they’re ready to change, or that they know how to change. You may spend your entire life waiting for someone to change. Or, you can hope for the best, live in alignment with your values, and accept what you’ve got. In my experience, the second option is way easier once you master the art of radical acceptance.

What Is Radical Acceptance?

Radical acceptance is a specific, teachable skill that comes from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), developed by psychologist Marsha Linehan in the 1980s and ’90s. She was working with chronically suicidal patients who weren’t getting better with standard therapy. She built acceptance directly into the treatment and helped patients hold two things at once: accepting reality exactly as it is and working toward change. Linehan defined “radical” as a complete and total acceptance of something in your mind, your heart, and your body, and finally letting go of the fight.

Psychologist Steven Hayes developed an entire therapy (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, or ACT) around the same core idea: that fighting and suppressing our inner experience keeps us stuck. DBT and ACT are two of the most well-researched therapies we have. The phrase was later popularized by psychologist and meditation teacher Tara Brach in her 2003 book, Radical Acceptance. There’s also more specific research showing that when we suppress or battle an emotion, it actually increases our physical stress and drains our mental energy, while acceptance-based approaches don’t carry that cost.

Acceptance Isn’t Endorsement

Accepting who your family is does not mean that you like or endorse their beliefs or their behavior. It simply means: I recognize that this is who my family member is, and I cannot change them.

Radical Acceptance Is Not

• It is not approval. Acknowledging what’s true is not the same as saying it was okay or fair.
• It is not forgiveness. You can accept something and never forgive. Forgiveness involves the other person; acceptance is entirely yours and requires nothing from them.
• It is not giving up. You can’t change what you refuse to acknowledge. Acceptance is often the first step toward doing something different, not the end of the road.
• It is not the same as staying. Accepting who someone actually is is usually what finally lets you set a boundary, take space, or walk away.
• It is not a one-time decision. You don’t accept something once and check it off. You’ll come back to it again and again, especially on the hard days.

“Pain plus non-acceptance equals suffering.”

Not having the family you need and want is painful, and acceptance doesn't erase it. But the suffering, the exhausting, looping, “it shouldn’t be this way” part, is something we can get rid of. You can’t always control the pain. You can do something about the suffering.

The Fantasy You Keep Going Back To

Unfortunately, we often create an image in our minds of what we wish our family would be. Then we consistently set ourselves up for disappointment when we go to them with something they cannot handle or are unwilling to handle.

Here are some situations I routinely hear about as a therapist:

• I want my family member to validate my feelings, so I keep going to them for support when I’m upset…only to be rejected.
• I want my family member to validate my career choice, so I keep trying to explain myself to them…only to be rejected.
• I want my family member to help me financially, so I keep begging them to recognize how much I am struggling…only to be rejected.
• I want my family member to acknowledge the trauma I endured as a child, so I keep explaining to them how hurt I am…only to be rejected.
• I want my family member to keep me safe, so I keep going to them for protection…only to be rejected.

I invite you to consider that…

• Maybe one of the main reasons you are struggling with your family is a lack of acceptance of who they are and what they can provide.
• Maybe you’re operating from the perspective of a young child who has to rely on their parent or family unit to meet every need, rather than an adult who has access to a variety of sources for different needs.

How To Practice Radical Acceptance

Linehan laid radical acceptance out as a set of steps. I’ve adapted them below to fit a family relationship.

1. Recognize when you are fighting reality. This might sound like, “I wish my mom and I could be close like my friend and her mom. I wish we could shop together and go to brunch.”
2. Remind yourself of the reality and what cannot be changed. “This is the mom I have. I cannot change her.”
3. Address the reason for the reality. “This is just the way my mom is. It is not my fault.”
4. Practice accepting this reality throughout your day — not just in the hard moments.
5. List the behaviors you would change if you accepted this reality. How would your life look different if you accepted who your mom is today?
6. Rehearse it in your mind’s eye. Imagine believing what you don’t want to accept, and picture how you would act if you did.
7. Pay attention to your body when you try to accept this reality — where you tense, where you soften.
8. Allow yourself to feel the disappointment, grief, and pain that come with this acceptance. This step is not optional; it’s the point.
9. Acknowledge that life can be worth living even when there is pain in it.
10. If you’re stuck, weigh the pros and cons. What will it cost you to keep not accepting this reality?

When you let go of the fantasy of who you wish they were and accept who they are, healing can begin. That healing might be finally grieving the reality that you didn’t get what you deserved as a child. It might mean having a relationship with your family member that is based on the needs they can actually meet. It might mean setting boundaries and taking space. It might mean walking away completely.

What do you actually need to accept?

Take a moment to reflect on what you need to accept about your family as a whole or about a family member.

Repeat whatever applies: I accept that ________.

Maybe it’s… Cannot connect emotionally. Cannot offer me safety. Cannot validate my choices. Cannot support me. Cannot understand my perspective. Cannot accept who I am.

Then the question becomes: If my family member cannot ______, can I have a relationship with them?

Every single person reading this will have a different reaction to that question.

This will not happen in one sitting. Acceptance isn’t a feeling you have to force yourself to have. As an adult, you get to decide what needs must be met in order to have a relationship, and people get to decide if they can meet those needs.

Sources

Richards, J. M., & Gross, J. J. (2000). Emotion regulation and memory: The cognitive costs of keeping one's cool. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 79(3), 410–424.

Gross, J. J., & Levenson, R. W. (1997). Hiding feelings: The acute effects of inhibiting negative and positive emotion. Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 106(1), 95–103.