Two Types Of Narcissism: Grandiose and Vulnerable

When we think of narcissism in families, most of us jump to the loudest voice in the room. The cousin who dominates every dinner conversation or the parent whose approval always feels just out of reach. But not all narcissism shows up as loud and grandiose. Sometimes it sits quietly, withdrawn in the corner, equally self-absorbed but far less obvious.

There are two main types of narcissism: grandiose and vulnerable. Many other subtypes have been explored, but grandiose and vulnerable have the most rigorous academic literature supporting them, so we will focus on those in this article. Understanding the distinction is not just an academic exercise. It can explain a lot about why certain family relationships feel either overbearing or quietly suffocating, despite their lack of overtly narcissistic traits.

Grandiose Narcissism

Grandiose narcissism is the type we tend to recognize. This type includes displays of high self-esteem, extraversion, and an appetite for dominance in relationships (Zajenkowski et al., 2018). Individuals with grandiose narcissism stride into family gatherings ready to impress and dictate. They see themselves as superior and often act accordingly.

Interestingly, some studies link grandiose narcissism to better cognitive performance and even lower levels of certain psychological disorders (Stefanova et al., 2024). People high in grandiose narcissism tend to rate themselves highly in emotional intelligence but score lower when actually tested (Mahadevan, 2024). They think they read the room well, but often they do not. Grandiose narcissists employ a 'hawk' strategy for status-seeking, characterized by being brash, competitive, and domineering (Mahadevan, 2024).

Popular Fictional Examples of the Grandiose Narcissist

• Regina George (Mean Girls): She seeks control within her social circle, is manipulative, and domineering.
• Miranda Priestly (The Devil Wears Prada): She’s commanding, cold, and believes others are inferior.
• Don Draper (Mad Men): He is charismatic and emotionally detached. He projects superiority and dismisses any emotional material or vulnerability.

Vulnerable Narcissism

Vulnerable narcissism is harder to spot. It hides behind insecurity, introversion, and hypersensitivity (Mahadevan, 2024). These are the family members who might not speak much but seem perpetually hurt or slighted. They struggle with emotional intelligence, not necessarily because they lack the ability, but because their negative self-perception holds them back (Zajenkowski et al., 2018). Oddly enough, they often show high openness to new experiences, making them a complicated presence in family dynamics (Zajenkowski & Szymaniak, 2021).

Vulnerable narcissists employ a 'dove' strategy, characterized by caution, defensiveness, and quiet resentment (Mahadevan, 2024).

Popular Fictional Examples of the Vulnerable Narcissist

• Donna Berzatto (The Bear): Donna is deeply hurt by perceived slights, even when they aren’t personal. She oscillates between self-pity and rage, a hallmark of vulnerable narcissism
• Benji (A Real Pain): He is impulsive, struggles with managing emotions. He struggles with emotional outbursts and difficulties with social interaction. He creates friction with those around him.

What does this mean for families?

Studies have shown that living with pathological narcissism, of either subtype, can put an enormous strain on family members. One study found that partners and relatives of narcissistic individuals reported higher levels of depression and anxiety than those caring for people with mood or psychotic disorders (Day et al., 2020). Another study underscored that empathy deficits are a core issue in these dynamics, leading to chronic relational dissatisfaction (Singh, 2024).

The way these narcissistic traits affect family cohesion differs by subtype. Grandiose narcissists tend to be overtly rejecting or subjugating, driving family members to withdraw. Vulnerable narcissists create disharmony in quieter but equally toxic ways, often activating a cycle of rejection and emotional distance within the family (Day et al., 2022).

So, whether you are dealing with a 'hawk' or a 'dove' in the family, the result can feel the same: exhausted, emotionally drained, and perpetually on edge. But knowing which subtype you are dealing with might offer a path forward, whether through setting boundaries or seeking tailored therapeutic interventions that account for these distinct dynamics.

After all, narcissism is not just about vanity. In families, it is about survival.