How Narcissistic Families Operate

Jennifer plays in her room after school until her mother gets home from work. It’s the only time she feels safe in her home. Around six o’clock, she hears the key in the door and her mother’s heels stomping on the tile floor. It’s time to perform.

Her mother’s moods rule the house. Everyone walks on eggshells trying to avoid setting her off. The slightest inconvenience leads to hours of belittling, guilt-tripping, and gossip among family members. The family knows better than to upset her, but they aren’t always sure what will lead to a change in her mood. It was best to be on her good side, and family members would often fight to be the favorite of the week.

Jennifer’s mother is adored in the community. Being her daughter feels like an honor that everyone envies. But they have no idea about the lack of empathy, criticism, manipulation, and control she endures at home.

Jennifer’s father is kind and completely dependent on Jennifer’s mother. Every time she does something harmful, he enables her and defends her transgressions. He will occasionally vent to Jennifer about their marriage, but he has no space for her emotions. He just wants everyone to pretend and get along. This is his favorite coping mechanism, and he doesn’t understand why someone wouldn’t want to do the same.

Jennifer is trying to survive within a narcissistic family system that caters to one member who isn’t capable of reflection or change.

Common Traits in Narcissistic Families

• Manipulation and Control: Narcissists will attempt to manipulate and control the family members to maintain their image or position of power. They may use emotional manipulation, guilt-tripping, coercion, and triangulation.
• Lack of Empathy: In these families, there’s an overall lack of consideration for the emotions and needs of others. Members may suppress their empathy or ignore the needs of others because that is the norm within the family.
• Enmeshment and Codependency: Family members may be overly enmeshed or dependent on the narcissist. Their sense of self-worth might be tied to the approval and validation they receive from the narcissist.
• Lack of Boundaries: Healthy boundaries are often nonexistent or poorly defined in narcissistic families. Personal space and privacy are frequently violated, making it difficult for members to become their own individual selves.
• Triangulation: The narcissist might create conflicts or alliances within the family by recruiting one family to go against another. There is often a sense of competition and mistrust among family members.
• Parentification: Children may take on adult responsibilities, such as caregiving or decision-making, to meet the narcissist’s needs or remain close to them.
• Emotional Neglect: The narcissist might ignore or invalidate the wants and needs of other members. Members of the family may also do this to one another, even if they do not have narcissistic traits, because that is the culture within the family.

The Roles In A Narcissistic Family

There are a variety of roles we see members take on to survive within a narcissistic family system. Some of these roles can coexist, and some members may cycle through different roles depending on their age and the family's circumstances. A narcissistic family may not have all of these roles or all of them at the same time.

The Narcissistic Parent: This is the member who is at the center of the family. They try to exert control through guilt-tripping, manipulation, or dominance. Family members revolve around the narcissist and attempt to keep them calm. The narcissistic parent is often entitled and believes that all members of the family exist to serve their needs. They demand constant attention, validation, and obedience from the family.

The Enabler (Or Codependent): The enabler may be seen as giving, protective, and kind, but this role inadvertently maintains dysfunction in the narcissistic family. The narcissistic behavior cannot continue without the support of an enabler. Often, a spouse, parent, or older sibling unconsciously adopts this role to maintain a facade of normalcy and stability. But, in attempting to manage family dynamics, they often perpetuate the dysfunction. They might do this by protecting, excusing, covering up, or supporting the behavior of the narcissist. Their primary goal is to maintain family functioning and avoid conflict, even if it means overlooking severe problems.

The Scapegoat: In a family, the scapegoat is a member who is unfairly blamed for the problems, conflicts, and dysfunctions within the family unit. This role often emerges as part of the family dynamics to divert attention away from deeper issues that other family members might be unwilling or unable to address. The scapegoat is frequently criticized, blamed, or made to carry the emotional burdens of the family, becoming a target for frustration, anger, and resentment.

The Golden Child: This family member is seen as perfect and can do no wrong (when performing for the narcissist). They often receive special treatment and are held up as an example for others to follow. However, the golden child may develop unrealistic expectations for themselves and struggle with the pressure to maintain their status. They may also have a strained relationship with siblings who feel overshadowed or resentful. On some level, they know they are only accepted or celebrated because of their performance.

The Lost/Invisible Child: This individual tends to withdraw from the family and avoids drawing attention to themselves. They might spend a lot of time alone and be emotionally detached. The lost child can feel neglected and may struggle with feelings of isolation and loneliness. They may struggle to form close relationships and develop low self-esteem.

How Narcissistic Families Operate

Narcissistic family systems operate under the unspoken rule that one person must remain at the center, with their needs, emotions, and perceptions prioritized above those of everyone else. In this system, roles are rigid and often assigned based on how well each family member supports or threatens the narcissist’s self-image.

Children may be cast into roles like the golden child, scapegoat, or invisible one, depending on how useful they are to the narcissistic parent’s ego. Emotional expression is typically one-sided: the narcissistic parent can explode, blame, or play victim freely, while others are expected to regulate themselves, avoid conflict, and preserve the illusion of a "perfect" family. Dissent or emotional needs from others are often seen as threats, rather than invitations to connect. Over time, this breeds secrecy, denial, competition, and a profound sense of emotional loneliness among those not in power, especially children, who often grow up unsure of their reality and conditioned to prioritize others’ feelings over their own.

It’s scary to realize that this is how your family has been operating, and stepping out of the system is a daunting and overwhelming task. The person who decided to call out the dysfunction in the family and stop participating in the dance is often cast aside and incorrectly labeled. They are a ”traitor” to the family or a threat to their outward appearance and perception. Narcissistic family systems would rather cast aside a member of their own family than suffer the pain and vulnerability of being exposed.

If you’re that person in your family, you’re not alone. We’re here to support you this month.