When People Don’t Understand

You've told someone about your estrangement, or they found out somehow, and now they're expressing concern, judgment, or disbelief. They don't understand why you "can't just work it out." You feel defensive, hurt, or frustrated. What do you say when people don't get it?

Before we get into specific responses, remember this: you are not required to make people understand. You can choose to educate, to set boundaries, or to walk away. All of these are valid options.

You don't owe anyone an endless debate about your choices. It's okay to exit a conversation when:

• The person is not listening to or respecting your boundaries
• You're being talked over or invalidated repeatedly
• The conversation is draining you or making you doubt yourself
• You've stated your boundary, and it's being ignored

When someone says, "But they're your family. Family is everything."

If you want to engage: "For me, being family doesn't exempt someone from treating me with respect. I deserve healthy relationships, even with family."

If you want to set a boundary: "Family is important to me too. I take these relationships seriously enough to step back when they're harmful."

If you want to end it: “This is my decision to make. I hope you can respect that."

When someone says, "You're going to regret this. What if something happens to them?"

If you want to engage: "I've actually thought a lot about that. And I'd rather live with the possibility of that regret than continue in a relationship that was harming me. I've made the best decision I can with what I know."

If you want to set a boundary: "That's a risk I'm willing to take.”

If you want to end it: "I appreciate your concern, but I'm comfortable with my choice."

When someone says, "Have you tried therapy? Maybe you just need to communicate better."

If you want to engage: "Yes, actually, I have been in therapy. That's part of how I realized this relationship wasn't healthy for me.”

If you want to set a boundary: "I appreciate the suggestion."

If you want to end it: "I've done the work I needed to do."

When someone says, "You only get one mother/father/sibling. You'll miss them when they're gone."

If you want to engage: "I'm already grieving the relationship I wish I could have had with them. Staying in contact would just add more pain on top of it."

If you want to set a boundary: "That may be true, but I also only get one life."

If you want to end it: "I've made peace with that possibility."

When someone says, "I'm sure they didn't mean it that way. You're being too sensitive."

If you want to engage: "Even if they didn't mean harm, that doesn't erase the impact it had on me. I get to set boundaries based on how I'm treated, not just on someone's intentions."

If you want to set a boundary: "I'm not asking you to agree with me, just respect that I know my own experience."

If you want to end it: "I'm not interested in debating this with you."

When someone says, "Well, nobody's perfect. Everyone makes mistakes."

If you want to engage: "You're right, nobody's perfect. But there's a difference between making mistakes and having a pattern of behavior that doesn't change. I'm not expecting perfection, I'm expecting basic respect."

If you want to set a boundary: "This isn't about one mistake. It's about a pattern I'm no longer willing to tolerate."

If you want to end it: "I agree that nobody's perfect, and I still get to make this choice."