When Doubt Creeps In

You've decided to step back from a family relationship, and for a while, you felt certain. But now doubt is creeping in. Maybe you saw an old photo. Maybe it's their birthday. Maybe someone asked about them. Whatever the trigger, suddenly you're questioning everything: Did I overreact? Am I the bad guy here? Should I reach out?

What to Say to Yourself

Instead of: "I was too harsh. I should just let it go."

Try: "Doubt is a normal part of this process. It doesn't mean I made the wrong decision.”

Instead of: "Other people make it work with difficult family members. Why can't I?"

Try: "I don't know what happens behind closed doors in other families. I only know what's true for me, and I made this decision based on my life.”

Instead of: "What if they've changed and I'm missing out?"

Try: "If meaningful change has happened, I will see it. Right now, I'm using the information I have to make the best decision."

Instead of: "I'm a terrible person for doing this."

Try: "Protecting myself doesn't make me terrible.”

What to Do

1. Don't Make Decisions When Doubt Peaks. When doubt feels overwhelming, tell yourself: "I'm not making any decisions today. I'm just feeling feelings." Give yourself 48-72 hours before taking any action.

2. Return to Your Why. Pull out whatever helped you make this decision in the first place. Your journal entries. The list of reasons you wrote down. The conversation with your therapist. Remind yourself of the pattern, not just the most recent memory or a select good time.

3. Talk to Someone Who Gets It. Reach out to a friend, therapist, or support group member who understands estrangement. Say: "I'm having a moment of doubt, and I need someone to remind me why I made this choice. Can you help me reality-check my situation right now?"

4. See Another Perspective. Ask yourself: "If my best friend told me they were in this situation, what would I want for them?" Sometimes we can access wisdom for others that we struggle to give ourselves.

5. Write a Letter You Won't Send. If you're tempted to reach out, write the letter, email, or text first. Don't send it. Save it for three days, and then reread it. Often, the urge passes, and you'll be grateful you waited.

Doubt doesn't mean you failed. It means you're a thoughtful person navigating something complicated. The fact that you’re questioning yourself is actually evidence that you take this seriously. You don't have to feel 100% certain 100% of the time. You just have to trust that when you made this decision, you were listening to yourself. Things can always change if and when it’s time.