You Can’t Be Perfectly Regulated And That’s Okay

The first time people are exposed to the concept of emotional maturity, they often think it’s about staying controlled and non-reactive all the time. They imagine that, with practice, they’ll become someone who remains calm in every conflict, never says the wrong thing, and can breathe through any emotional storm.

It sounds incredible, but it’s also impossible. Expecting yourself to be calm and composed in every situation will almost always lead to shame, rather than growth. The truth is: no one is perfectly regulated all the time. Not even therapists or people who teach emotional maturity for a living.

The Myth of the Always-Calm Person

Somewhere along the way, emotional regulation became confused with emotional suppression. For many of you, that belief came from childhood. Maybe you were told to stop crying because it made someone uncomfortable. Maybe you learned that anger was dangerous, or that sadness made you “too sensitive.” Your parents' reactions to your emotions could have been unpredictable, so you learned to hide them just to stay safe.

Those lessons shape how you experience regulation in adulthood. You might find yourself saying, “I’m fine,” while your body is tense and your heart is racing. You might shut down or detach when someone tries to have a challenging conversation. Or, you might equate being calm with being in control and feel like you’ve failed when you struggle to maintain your composure.

What Actually Happens When You’re Triggered

When something in the present reminds your nervous system of an old wound, your body goes into defense mode. This is what Dr. John Gottman calls emotional flooding: your nervous system is in overdrive, convinced that you’re in danger, even if the “danger” is just a disagreement at the dinner table.

In that moment, your sympathetic nervous system (the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn response) takes over. Your body releases adrenaline and cortisol, your muscles tense, your heart rate spikes, and your vision narrows. The part of your brain that helps you think, reason, and empathize temporarily goes offline. That’s why you can’t logic your way out of being triggered. You can’t “talk yourself down” in a moment when your body believes you’re under threat. It’s not a mindset issue. The most emotionally mature thing you can do in those moments is recognize what’s happening and choose not to keep engaging. You might say:

“I can feel my heart racing. I need to take a break.”

“I want to keep this conversation healthy, and I can’t do that right now.”

Why We Can’t Stay Regulated All the Time

Emotion regulation researchers have shown that we use different strategies depending on the situation. Sometimes, we use reappraisal, which is reframing a situation so we can see it differently. We use distraction or shift our attention so we can come back to the problem with more clarity. And sometimes, we use suppression or pushing feelings down because we’re at work, in public, or with people who don’t feel safe. All of these strategies have a purpose, and none of them are “wrong.”.

Who you are around, the level of closeness in that relationship, and the level of safety you feel also matter. You can be emotionally mature and still lose your composure with your family, even if you remain calm with your friends. You can handle conflict well at work and still find yourself dysregulated by your parent’s tone of voice.

The Work Is Not to Stay Calm, But to Return to Calm

Emotional maturity is not a constant state. It’s a cycle:

• Get triggered.
• Notice it.
• Pause.
• Repair.
• Learn.
• Repeat.

When you’re flooded, the first step isn’t to fix it, it’s to find safety. Once your body calms down, you can re-engage your thinking brain, and that is the part of you that can take accountability and express empathy. That’s when you repair.

The Shame of “I Should Know Better”

For individuals who have undergone extensive healing work, the most challenging aspect of being triggered is often the shame that follows. You might think, “I teach this stuff. I should know better.” Or, “I’ve been in therapy for years, why am I still reacting like this?” That shame can be more painful than the trigger itself.

Remember this: You’re not failing, you’re practicing. And every time you circle back after a rupture, you’re teaching the people around you that conflict doesn’t have to mean disconnection.

Learning to Trust Yourself

Over time, emotional maturity becomes an automatic response, and you step into a rhythm. You’ll notice your body more quickly, take space without guilt, repair with less fear, and you’ll return to baseline faster. And when you do lose it, you’ll know that one bad moment doesn’t undo all your progress or “make you bad.”