How To Work On Complicated Grief In Therapy

Our tools at Calling Home are the perfect companion for any therapy or mental health treatment. If you want to work on complicated grief or ambiguous loss with a therapist, here are some suggestions.

What to Look for in a Therapist

• Doesn’t pressure you toward forgiveness, reconciliation, or closure without your consent.
• Validates non-traditional grief experiences (estrangement, abuse, illness, missing persons, incarceration).
• Understands trauma-informed care and won’t rush or pathologize your timeline.
• Can hold space for mixed emotions.
• Accepts that grief can exist for people who are still alive or who weren’t safe or kind.

Look for therapists who have these terms on their website or in their bio:

• Ambiguous loss
• Complicated grief or prolonged grief
• Trauma-informed, attachment-focused, or family systems therapy
• Estrangement, family trauma, or non-traditional grief

Questions to Ask a Potential Therapist

About Their Approach:

• “Have you worked with clients who are grieving a relationship that was abusive, estranged, or unresolved?”
• “How do you approach ambiguous loss?”
• “Do you believe forgiveness or reconciliation is necessary for healing?”
• “How do you support people grieving someone that society has deemed 'bad' or a ‘problem’?”
• “What’s your view on grief that lasts a long time or doesn’t feel ‘linear’?”

Fit and Safety:

• “How do you usually help someone navigate feelings of guilt, anger, or relief after a loss?”
• “What’s your stance on complicated family dynamics or estrangement?”
• “I’m worried about being judged for not wanting contact with someone I’m grieving, can we talk about that in here?”

Topics to Bring Up in Therapy

Once you’ve found a safe, supportive therapist, here are some things you might work on in therapy:

• Feeling stuck between missing them and remembering how much they hurt you
• Feeling pressured or forced to forgive or move on
• Grieving someone who is still alive
• Grieving someone you never had a healthy relationship with
• Grief that doesn’t feel acceptable to others
• Other family members rewriting history
• Creating rituals and ways to remember them
• Boundaries around how others expect you to grieve
• Process guilt, anger, relief, or numbness
• Self-compassion for how you’re grieving