How to Sit With Missing Someone Without Reaching Back Out

After you become estranged from someone, you may feel the urge to reach out when you don’t actually want to. There is a big difference between missing that person and missing having a person. It’s important to know the difference.

While you can always reach out to the person you’re estranged from to repair, set another boundary, or share something, you want to make sure that when you do that, you understand the potential repercussions for you and the other person. It’s unfair (to you and the other person) to continue reaching out to someone when you have no true desire to reconcile or reconnect.

If you’ve recently become estranged or it’s been some time and nothing has changed, here are some strategies to help you sit with missing them without reaching back out before you’re ready.

Acknowledge the Feeling Without Judgment

Instead of pushing the emotion away, name it: “I’m missing them right now.” Remind yourself that missing someone doesn’t mean you want them back or that contacting them will help. You can miss them and still choose not to reach out.

Write It And Don’t Send

Use your journal, record a voice note, or write them a letter, and don’t send it. This gives your feelings somewhere to go, and often the act of expression reduces the intensity of the urge.

What Do You Actually Need?

Ask yourself: What do I actually need right now? Maybe you want validation, comfort, familiarity, or to be understood. Try to think about ways you can meet that need without contacting them. This is especially important if they have historically been unable to meet that need. You can call a friend, repeat affirmations, do something for yourself, join a group at Calling Home, or contact your therapist.

Get Grounded In Reality

Create a short, clear list of why you chose not to maintain this relationship and read it when needed.

Do Something Else

Not every distraction is avoidance. You can choose healthy, mindful distractions that help you process like going on a walk, listening to music, cooking, organizing your space, or spending time with someone you trust.

Ride the Wave

The urge to reach out is like a wave of emotion or a trigger. It will feel intense at its peak, but it will pass. You can visualize the wave, note when it becomes more intense, and check in as the urge falls off.

Designate a “No Contact” Buddy

Text a trusted friend, partner, or family member when the urge hits, or have a code word they’ll recognize. It’s easier to hold a boundary when someone is there to back you up.

Have a Ritual

Create a small ritual for when you miss them. It might be something kind and sentimental, or maybe something that allows you to process your anger or frustration.