Honest Memorials: How to Grieve Without Rewriting History

Grief is often framed as “love with nowhere to go,” a tribute to a “loved one” who was cherished, kind, and deeply missed. But what if that’s not your story? What if the person who died hurt you more than they helped you? What if your grief feels tangled, resentful, or hollow?

The truth is: not everyone we grieve was good to us. And no one is all good or all bad. Still, the pressure to sanctify the dead, to erase harm, to pretend love where there was fear or confusion can leave survivors of abuse, neglect, or complicated relationships to feel isolated, angry, or invalidated.

This article is for anyone grieving someone they don’t miss. It’s for those trying to mourn without rewriting the past and those struggling with a kind of loss that doesn’t follow the rules of “normal” grief.

We’ll explore how to:

• Validate and understand your memories
• Decide what to hold onto and what to release
• Discuss different memories with others
• Create rituals for grieving who they were, who you hoped they’d be, or who they’ll never become

Validating and Understanding Your Memories

Something strange can happen after someone dies: you begin to doubt your memories. Was it really that bad? Did I exaggerate? Am I being cruel for not feeling sad in the way people expect?

Sometimes, people around you, family, mutual friends, even well-meaning strangers, encourage a kinder version of the person you knew. They may say things like, “But they loved you in their own way,” or “You’ll miss them more than you think.” These messages, however comforting to others, can feel like gaslighting to those who lived through real harm.

Research into betrayal trauma, especially abuse by caregivers, shows this confusion is not just common but expected. Survivors of caregiver abuse often experience memory disturbances, struggling to clearly remember traumatic events. The brain, trying to protect itself from the unbearable truth that someone entrusted with your care hurt you, sometimes buries the facts. This doesn't mean the abuse didn’t happen; it means your brain did what it had to do to survive.

You’re allowed to remember the bad. You’re allowed to question the good. Grief doesn’t have to be rooted in fondness. It can stem from what was lost, what was denied, or what was never safe to begin with.

What to Hold Onto and What to Release

Not all memories need to be preserved, and not all pain needs to be carried forever. The grieving process offers a rare opportunity to consciously choose what parts of your story still serve you, and which ones only reopen wounds.

You might choose to hold onto:

• Your truth, even if others deny it
• Lessons you’ve learned from surviving
• Small moments of real connection, if they existed

You might choose to release:

• The fantasy that they would ever change
• The pressure to reconcile who they were with who you needed
• The need to “prove” your version of events to others

Let grief be a sorting process, not a silencing one. You may not get to choose what you remember and forget, but you can identify what you want to hold onto and what dictates your life. If you notice that certain memories are negatively impacting your life and the decisions you make, you might want to release that.

Sometimes people hold onto traumatic or negative memories out of fear. You may be afraid that if you forget, someone will hurt you again or another traumatic thing will happen. You can release what happened and hold onto what you’ve learned.

Discussing Different Memories with Others

One of the most painful parts of grieving a harmful person is hearing others speak of them in glowing terms. Maybe they were a “wonderful parent” to your sibling, or a “kind friend” to someone else. These things may be true, and they still do not invalidate your reality.

When engaging with people who have different memories of the same person, consider:

• Setting boundaries: “I understand they were different with you, but I’m not in a place to celebrate them right now.”
• Speaking honestly: “I have complicated feelings. I’m still processing.”
• Withholding details: You don’t owe anyone your trauma to make your grief legitimate.

Both truths can exist. You are not wrong for remembering pain while others remember kindness or a strictly positive version.

Creating Rituals: Grieving the Person, the Idea, the Loss

Grieving someone who harmed you often means grieving not just the person, but the idea of them. Who they could have been. Who you wanted them to be. Who you’ll never get a chance to reconcile with.

Try these ritual ideas to honor your experience:

• Write a letter to them that you’ll never send. Say everything without holding back.
• Create a goodbye ceremony for the version of them you wish existed.
• Make art to express the parts of you that still ache, rage, or mourn.
• Light a candle for the child you were when they hurt you.

Grieving harmful people requires creativity, honesty, and courage. The rituals don’t have to be pretty or poetic; they just have to be real.

You Don’t Have to Grieve Like Everyone Else

As Spence (2016) and O’Rinn et al. (2013) show, the death of an abusive parent or loved one brings up a landscape of grief that traditional models can’t hold. It can be messy, ambivalent, and full of contradiction. Survivors often report feeling relief, followed by guilt. They may grieve the relationship that never was more than the person themselves. That doesn’t make your grief wrong. It makes it honest.

Whether you’re mourning a parent who hit you, a partner who belittled you, or a person you hoped would change right up until their last breath, you are allowed to grieve. On your own terms. Without apology. Without erasure. You can grieve someone without rewriting history.