Estrangement Isn’t the End of Grief

Alexis ended the relationship with her mother after decades of mistreatment. Her mother consistently violated her boundaries, belittled her choices, and found fault in nearly everything she did. No matter how hard Alexis tried, she could never meet her mother’s expectations, and her mother never missed an opportunity to remind her.

For a year, Alexis tried everything to salvage the relationship. She set boundaries, limited their conversations, reduced contact, attended therapy, both on her own and with her mother, and made repeated attempts to accept her mother as she was. Still, nothing changed.

After months of emotional exhaustion, grief, guilt, and failed repair attempts, Alexis made the difficult decision to end contact. She wrote her mother a letter explaining that she would no longer communicate with her and why, and then blocked her number.

At first, there was a wave of relief. But that relief didn’t last. As the days passed, a new wave rolled in—confusion, guilt, and sadness.

Why do I feel like this? I know this is what I needed. Why doesn’t it feel right?

Because estrangement isn’t always the end of grief; sometimes, it’s just the beginning.

When a family member has mistreated you, it’s natural to fantasize about the day you’ll finally be free. You imagine peace, clarity, and maybe even joy. But when the moment comes and those feelings don’t arrive or they don’t last, it can be disorienting.

Many adults report feeling a sense of peace after estrangement. They stop hoping for change and begin reclaiming their lives. But the grief remains. Not for the person themselves, but for what they never were. For the fantasy of a different kind of parent. For the childhood that could have been. For the version of life that feels just out of reach. Even when you’ve fully accepted that your parent or family member cannot or will not change, the longing doesn’t always disappear. You might still fantasize about calling them, having a calm conversation, or finally hearing the apology you deserved.

Estrangement may bring peace and grief.

Estrangement isn't freedom in the way many expect. You don’t just wake up the next day and not remember them. It requires effort. You have to restructure your life around not having this person in it. You may feel the absence acutely during milestones and holidays, when their presence or lack of change feels especially glaring. It’s not something you forget. It’s something you learn to live with.

It’s also not a magic fix. You’re still left with the damage that was created within that relationship and the unresolved feelings. While it can give you the space to heal and work on things, it’s often not a magic fix. You, unfortunately, are still responsible for your healing so you don’t repeat these patterns in future relationships. There’s a chance that you’ll be dealing with the impacts long after this person is out of your life, and there’s grief involved in that as well.

You May Not Be Grieving The Estrangement

You’re not grieving the decision to go no contact. You’re grieving everything that led to it. You’re grieving the birthdays, weddings, and ordinary Tuesdays that never unfolded the way they wished. You’re grieving the money and time they’ve spent healing from wounds you should never have received. You’re grieving a relationship that was never safe, and the realization that protecting yourself means letting go of the dream it ever could be.