The Perfect Family in Public, Dysfunctional in Private

Every family, to some degree, wants to be perceived positively by the public and their community. But some families take this to another level. They are highly concerned with how they are being perceived and will do anything to control that perception. This may include concealing dysfunction, suppressing voices in the family, and forcing members to comply with specific family norms. Many of these families are “perfect” in public, and dysfunctional, abusive, or extremely challenging in private.

Why Do Families Do This?

Families work hard to maintain a flawless public façade to secure social approval, avoid stigma, or preserve internal stability. Secrecy is maintained in a few key ways: impression management, privacy rules, and avoidance.

Social Approval

Dysfunctional families that appear functional or even “perfect” in public prioritize social approval. Research on self-presentation shows that protecting how others evaluate the family is a primary driver of concealment and risk-taking behaviors to maintain appearance within these families.

They often believe that their well-being and acceptance depend on appearing well-functioning, which motivates concealment rather than repair. The approval from their community or the public is more important than the actual functioning or health of the family. Dysfunctional families that prioritize secrecy and performance also deeply value cohesion. They will choose to keep distressing disclosures private to preserve normalcy rather than risk destabilizing their relationships.

Avoiding Stigma

The family may also be trying to avoid stigma. They may know that their community will judge something happening in the family. This may include abuse, sexual orientation, infidelity, or a mental health issue. Stigma avoidance leads members to suppress information likely to invite judgment (e.g., abuse) because secrecy reduces the immediate social costs and consequences.

Avoidance and denial become commonplace within these families, and they make disclosure less likely. Family members learn to use tactics like omission, diversion, or coordinated narratives that maintain the public facade. This is often because it is an automatic reflex for members of the family that is rarely questioned.

Impression Management

Impression management pushes family members to perform socially desirable roles in public, while minimizing or discrediting contradictory private evidence. These rules about what is to remain private and what can be shown in public are explicit or implicit agreements that classify specific topics as off-limits; those rules make secrecy the expectation within the family and can protect abusers.

Typical Hidden Behavior in Dysfunctional Families

• Sexual and Physical Abuse: These are the most frequently concealed types of abuse because disclosure comes with a high level of threat, including incarceration, the removal of children, social shame, and community exile. Families may rely on silence, reinterpretation, or explicit privacy rules to keep abuse hidden.
• Risky Behaviors and Mental Health: Substance misuse or mental health issues are often managed privately rather than treated publicly because showing vulnerability would contradict the family image. Many families do not want to be associated with these types of issues or diagnoses.
• Identity Concealment: Long-term withholding of sexual or gender identity may be standard in these families, especially if they are members of a community where there is a lot of stigma around a particular sexual orientation or identity.
• Emotional Abuse of Coercive Control: These behaviors are often downplayed, dismissed, or rebranded as “discipline” or “a disagreement.”

The Consequences of Concealing Dysfunctional Behavior, Identity, or Abuse

Concealment in families produces harm that has been well documented by clinicians and researchers. Members of these families often report psychological distress, poorer physical health, and relational strain.

• Health and Psychological Risk: People will prioritize appearance over help-seeking and put off seeking support through therapy, the community, or medical treatment.
• Emotional Burden: Long-term secrecy increases stress, internalizing symptoms, and relational dissatisfaction within the family.
• Conflict: Revealing hidden abuse or dysfunction can relieve internal distress and improve authenticity, but may also provoke conflict or more abuse within the family or in the community at large, disbelief, or more stigma.
• More Dysfunction: When families prioritize the façade over repair, abuse and dysfunctional patterns are more likely to continue.

However, this doesn’t mean that revealing secrets always leads to a positive outcome. Revealing a secret at the wrong time, when someone isn’t ready, or when they do not have support can have catastrophic outcomes for the victim. Disclosure can reduce distress when managed appropriately.

References

Leary, M. R., Tchividijian, L. R., & Kraxberger, B. E. (1994). Self-presentation can be hazardous to your health: Impression management and health risk. Health Psychology, 13(6), 461–470. https://doi.org/10.1037/0278-6133.13.6.461

Afifi, Tamara & Caughlin, J. & Afifi, Walid. (2007). Exploring the dark side (and light side) of avoidance and secrets. The darkside of interpersonal relationships. 61-92.

Caughlin, J. P., & Petronio, S. (2004). Privacy in families. In A. L. Vangelisti (Ed.), Handbook of family communication (pp. 379–412). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates Publishers.

Kassler, K. (2024). Secret-keeping tactics central to sexual identity concealment from family members. Journal of Family Communication, 24(1-2), 49–64. https://doi.org/10.1080/15267431.2024.2319685