Finding a Therapist Who Understands Family Secrets

When family secrets come to light, whether about abuse, infidelity, addiction, finances, or hidden identities, the impact can be life-altering. Choosing a therapist who understands the complexity of secrecy, betrayal, and family dynamics is important. This guide will help you ask the right questions and find a therapist who can walk with you through the healing process.

Screening Questions About Training & Experience

When you first meet a therapist (either in a consultation call or the first few sessions), ask:

• “Have you worked with clients dealing with family secrets before? What kinds of issues have you helped people navigate?”
• “Do you have specific training in trauma, abuse, or family systems?”
• “How comfortable are you working with sensitive issues like sexual abuse, physical abuse, or hidden addictions?”
• “Do you have experience working with both individual clients and families around secrecy?”

Look for someone who responds with clarity, compassion, and examples of their experience, not someone who dodges or minimizes these topics.

Questions About Handling Secrets

Every therapist has their own philosophy about how to approach secrecy. It’s important to know where they stand. You might ask:

• “How do you handle it when one family member shares a secret that others don’t know about?”
• “How do you decide when keeping a secret is protective versus when it is harmful?”
• “What do you believe are the long-term effects of secrecy on children and families?”
• “If I tell you something I haven’t told my family, how do you decide whether to encourage disclosure or keep it private?”

You want a therapist who recognizes that some secrets (e.g., abuse, violence, safety risks) require different handling than others (e.g., personal histories, identity, financial matters).

Trauma-Informed Approach

Because many family secrets involve trauma, your therapist should have training in trauma-informed care. Ask:

• “How do you create safety for clients who are sharing something they’ve never told anyone before?”
• “What is your approach to working with trauma that comes from childhood or family relationships?”
• “Do you integrate body-based approaches (like somatic work, EMDR, or mindfulness) along with talk therapy?”

Views on Reconciliation and Healing

Family secrets can rupture relationships. Some people may want reconciliation, others may not. A good therapist won’t push you either way, and they’ll support your autonomy. To find out how a therapist approaches this, ask:

• “How do you view reconciliation when family secrets are revealed?”
• “What if one person wants to rebuild the relationship and the other doesn’t?”
• “Do you believe healing is possible without reconciliation?”
• “How do you help people decide what level of contact or relationship is healthiest for them?”

Look for a holistic perspective: one that includes truth-telling, individual safety, and the possibility of different outcomes (estrangement, limited contact, or renewed relationship).

Practical Tips for Your Search

• Psychology Today, TherapyDen, and GoodTherapy allow you to search by specialties like trauma, abuse, and family conflict.
• Look for keywords: “family systems,” “trauma-informed,” “abuse recovery,” “attachment,” “intergenerational trauma,” “secrecy.”
• Ask for a consultation call: Many therapists offer 15-minute phone calls where you can ask these questions before committing.
• Trust your gut: Notice whether you feel safe, respected, and believed in the first interactions.

Red Flags

Be cautious if a therapist:

• Minimizes the impact of secrets (“all families have secrets, it’s no big deal”).
• Pushes reconciliation as the only “healthy” option.
• Doesn’t take abuse or safety concerns seriously.
• Seems uncomfortable talking about secrecy or trauma.

The right therapist will see family secrets not just as “bad stories to tell,” but as deeply embedded patterns that affect identity, trust, and safety. They’ll help you decide how to move forward in a way that honors your unique experiences, whether that includes reconciliation or not.