Breaking the Cycle of Secrecy: Choosing Openness Without Oversharing

When you grow up in a family where shame, secrecy, and hiding are the norm, sharing your life with others can feel threatening or even dangerous.

Over time, people from secret-keeping families often fall into one of two patterns:

• The Oversharer: After years of being told to hide everything, Oversharers swing to the opposite extreme. They long for honesty, openness, and validation, and may find themselves disclosing too much too quickly or repeatedly seeking reassurance from friends and partners. While this drive comes from a deep desire to be authentic, it can also leave them vulnerable to shame or what Brené Brown calls a “vulnerability hangover.”
• The Closed Book: Others continue the old pattern, keeping their guard up and trusting no one. The Closed Book believes sharing will lead to judgment or harm. Though they may long for intimacy and real connection, it feels out of reach, as if being authentic would always come at too high a cost.

Privacy vs. Secrecy

It is important to know that you can maintain privacy while also sharing your story. There is a fine line between the two:

Secrecy is rooted in fear. Secrets exist to protect someone’s image or maintain control. They create shame and allow harm to flourish. In families with many secrets, members often experience a painful split between how the family looks from the outside and how it feels on the inside. Outsiders might even be shocked by the hidden reality.

Privacy is rooted in care. Privacy protects safety, respects boundaries, and helps families function well. Families who value privacy may choose not to share something publicly. At the same time, they gather resources, process a crisis, or protect loved ones, not because they are hiding something harmful or shameful.

Secrecy isolates, privacy protects.

Learning to Be Open While Keeping Your Privacy

Openness does not have to mean telling everyone everything. True openness is about choosing what to share, when to share it, and with whom. You can be authentic and connected while still protecting your own boundaries.

Here are some practical ways to find that balance:

Pause Before SharingAsk yourself: Why do I want to share this right now? If the answer is to feel closer to someone, to be understood, or to release shame, that can be healthy. If the answer is to get immediate reassurance or because you feel pressured, it may help to wait.

Use the Circle TestImagine three circles. The innermost circle is for your most trusted people, the middle circle for acquaintances or extended family, and the outer circle for the public. Place the story you want to share in the right circle. Does it fit the level of trust?

Pay Attention to Your BodyYour body often tells you when you have shared too much. If you feel a knot in your stomach, racing thoughts, or shame after opening up, it may be a sign that you went beyond your comfort zone. Use that feedback as information for next time.

Look for Signs of Safety in OthersNot everyone has earned the right to hear your story. Before you share, ask: Has this person shown me empathy, respect, and consistency? Do they keep their promises? Do I feel better or worse after talking with them?

Practice Selective HonestyYou can tell the truth without telling the whole story. For example, “I’m going through a hard time right now” is honest, but you do not have to explain every detail.

Reflect After SharingAfter opening up, ask yourself: Do I feel better, more connected, or understood? Or do I feel exposed, ashamed, or regretful? This reflection helps you learn what kinds of sharing feel healing and what kinds leave you feeling unsafe.

Give Yourself Permission to Keep Some Things PrivatePrivacy is not hiding. It is a choice. You are allowed to protect certain parts of your life until you feel ready, or forever if that is what feels safest.

This Takes Practice

You are inevitably going to overshare or share something with the wrong person. That is ok, and you should be prepared for it to happen. If and when it does, this is not a sign that you can never share anything again, and no one should be trusted. Instead, remember that this is a learning process for you, and you are practicing. Not everyone is going to be honest or trustworthy, and sometimes people appear to be when they are not. Allow yourself to make mistakes and practice this skill.