Responding To Emotionally Immature Adults On A Holiday

A holiday event may be difficult for your emotionally immature parent or family member. Many adults (often unknowingly) have high expectations and are reacting to past triggering events on the holidays. When they do not have the insight or skills to deal with those expectations and emotions, they will likely behave in undesirable ways. This means that the emotionally immature person in your family is more likely to engage in their typical disruptive behavior on a holiday or during a special event.

For example, they may try to assert their role as the certain of attention by having a tantrum about a gift or getting upset when the day doesn’t go as planned. Some emotionally immature people may use the events of the holiday as a way to express their frustration about a million other things that have been bothering them or as a way to assert power over those around them.

At Calling Home, we strive to help our members live in their own reality. If you know that your family member is emotionally immature and they typically react in a specific way when they are under this amount of pressure, it’s important that you are prepared.

We have developed a list of scripts to use when emotionally immature behavior becomes disruptive. You can use these scripts as a guide and a foundation to create your own phrases. Please remember that you can only control what you say. You cannot control how it is received.

Here are five responses tailored to various scenarios involving an emotionally immature family member during the holidays:

Gift-Giving

The family member criticizes the gift you’ve given them. They’re disappointed or comparing it to someone else’s gift.

Response: “I chose this gift for you because (reason). I understand if you don’t like it, and I am happy to return it for you.”

Do not get into a debate about whether they like the gift or not and why they should like it.

Gift-Receiving

The family member gives a gift and expects excessive praise or makes a comment like, “I spent so much on this; you’d better love it.”

Response: “Thank you for thinking of me and for the gift! I appreciate it.”

Avoid guilt-tripping or overemphasizing their sacrifice. Instead, be appreciative and express gratitude as you would in a typical situation where someone gives you a gift. Recognize when you have done this, and do not go past this point in an attempt to appease them.

Attention-Seeking Tantrum:

The family member raises their voice, sulks, or otherwise creates a dramatic scene to make themselves the focus of attention.

Response: “I can see you’re upset. I’d like to talk about this when things are calmer. Right now, can we try to have a good time together?”

Try to set a boundary or re-direct without escalating the situation. You can also choose to ignore the tantrum, change the subject, or direct attention to something else. If none of this is working, you may need to leave.

Undermining Traditions:

Scenario: They dismiss family traditions or try to derail planned activities with snide remarks.

Response: “I understand you might not enjoy this, but it’s meaningful to me. I’d love for you to participate, but it’s your choice.”

Redirect the focus to the activity and encourage others to participate. You cannot force them. After you encourage them to participate, you can simply focus on the tradition and stop trying to engage them. Do not make the entire day about forcing them to participate or enjoy it.

Passive-Aggressive Comments:

Scenario: They make a passive-aggressive remark about the holiday gathering or your role in it.

Response: You can directly call them out and ask them to share, “It sounds like you’re upset about something. Do you want to tell me about it?” You can also accept the passive-aggressive remarks as a sign of their emotional immaturity and not take the bait. You can ignore their comments or make a positive remark as a response.