How To Set Boundaries With Family During The Holidays

The holiday season is often a time of joy and togetherness, but it can also be a hotbed for high expectations, unspoken needs, and boundary violations. Each of us enters the season with our own hopes and fears, making navigating relationships and traditions particularly challenging. Without careful planning and deliberate communication, you may find your boundaries disregarded and your needs unmet.

As we approach the holidays, keep this principle in mind: expect people to be who they have always been. The holiday season will not magically transform someone into a new person or alter their behavior patterns. Expecting otherwise can lead to disappointment and frustration. If someone surprises you by changing or evolving, let it be a pleasant surprise rather than an expectation. Starting from this realistic perspective can save you emotional energy and make the season more enjoyable.

Understanding Boundaries During the Holidays

Boundaries are not about controlling someone else—they are about defining what you will do in a given situation. If your boundary relies on someone else changing their behavior for it to work, it’s worth reevaluating. Instead, focus on setting boundaries that empower you to take the actions necessary to protect your time, energy, and well-being.

What Boundaries Do You Need to Set?

Here’s a breakdown of common boundaries people may need to set during the holiday season, along with examples of how to communicate them effectively:

Personal Space and Time

• Limiting Time at Gatherings: “I’ll be heading out around 8 PM tonight to get some rest, but I’m looking forward to catching up while I’m here.”
• Carving Out Quiet Time: “I need a bit of quiet time in the mornings to recharge, so I’ll join everyone after 10 AM.”

Financial Boundaries

• Setting Spending Limits: “This year, I’m sticking to a budget for gifts, so I won’t be participating in the gift exchange.”
• Declining Costly Activities: “I’d love to join, but I’m watching my spending this season. Let’s find another way to celebrate together.”

Food and Diet

• Communicating Dietary Needs: “I’m vegan, so I’ll bring a dish that works for me.”
• Redirecting Comments About Food Choices: “I’d prefer not to discuss what’s on my plate—let’s just enjoy the meal!”

Family Dynamics

• Avoiding Sensitive Topics: “I’d rather not get into that today—how’s work going for you?”
• Managing Interactions: “I’m going to help in the kitchen, but it was great to see you!”

Holiday Traditions

• Opting Out of Traditions: “I’m skipping caroling this year, but I’d be happy to help set up for it.”
• Limiting Hosting Responsibilities: “I’d love to host, but I’ll need everyone to bring a dish to share. Let me know if that works for you!”

Parenting and Children

• Handling Parenting Advice: “I appreciate your perspective, but we’re handling things our way.”
• Enforcing Rules for Your Children: “We’re limiting screen time today, so we’d appreciate sticking to that.”

Social Engagements

• Declining Invitations: “Thank you for the invite, but I won’t be able to make it this year.”

Emotional Boundaries

• Saying No Without Overexplaining: “I won’t be able to make it, but I appreciate the invitation.”

Romantic Relationships

• Prioritizing Time with Your Partner: “We’re spending Christmas morning just the two of us, but we’ll join the family in the afternoon.”
• Keeping Matters Private: “We’d prefer not to discuss that right now, but thank you for asking.”

When Boundaries Are Challenged

Setting boundaries is one thing; upholding them is another. Not everyone will respond positively to your boundaries. Some may push back, ignore them, or even attempt to guilt you into compromising. In these situations:

• Be prepared to repeat your boundary calmly if necessary.
• If the behavior continues, consider removing yourself from the situation to protect your peace.
• Remember: it’s not your job to force someone to respect your boundaries. It’s your job to enforce it for yourself.

Navigating the holiday season with clear, intentional boundaries can make a world of difference. By focusing on what you can control—your actions and choices—you set the stage for a season that reflects your values, needs, and priorities. And while not everyone may respect your boundaries, you can respect yourself by maintaining them firmly and kindly. This practice is the greatest gift you can give to yourself this holiday season. We have a Your Holiday Boundary Inventory if you would like to create your own unique boundaries this holiday season.