Finding Peace During The Holidays: Navigating Estrangement From Family

December 2nd, 2024

The holiday season has a way of amplifying the feelings you already experience around estrangement.

This article on estrangement and the holidays is meant to resonate with a variety of readers. Some of you may have chosen to distance yourselves from a family member, while others may be the ones experiencing the estrangement. There are also those of you who are close to someone navigating the challenges of being estranged from their family.

Finding peace during the holidays

Whatever your perspective, estrangement during the holidays is deeply painful for everyone involved. You might find yourself grappling with feelings of loneliness, guilt, confusion, or a sense of being lost—and it’s important to recognize that these emotions are normal and expected. The holiday season has a way of amplifying the feelings you already experience around estrangement.

The purpose of this article is to offer strategies to help you acknowledge this pain, protect your emotional well-being, and explore new traditions. It will also provide guidance on how to manage social pressures and respond to questions about estrangement in a healthy way.

Acknowledging the Pain of Estrangement

Estrangement is always challenging, but the holidays can make it feel incredibly raw. Society often promotes the idea that the holiday season “should” be spent surrounded by family, and anything less may feel like a failure. Social media, cultural norms, and media portrayals reinforce this narrative, making those who aren’t with family during the holidays feel isolated or judged.

Estrangement and Sending Gifts

This pressure of the holidays can sometimes lead to behavior we might later regret. For instance, those cut off by a family member may feel compelled to push boundaries in a desperate attempt to reunite for the holidays. If this resonates with you, take a moment to pause and reflect.

I understand the urge to try and fix things quickly and make it feel “normal.” However, acting on this impulse without addressing the underlying issues that led to the estrangement is likely to backfire. Insisting they accept a gift or sending a gift that may not even apply to their current situation will not help. It’s more likely that you are estranged because of an issue in the relationship, not because of a lack of gift-giving.

If you have chosen to estrange yourself from family, I also discourage gift-giving to family members with whom you have cut off contact. This can send mixed messages and make it difficult for the estranged family to understand your boundaries.

Estrangement and Inviting Them To The Holidays

Insisting that your estranged family member come around without resolving the root causes of the rift can feel disingenuous and may damage the relationship further in the long run. It’s important to resist the urge to sweep unresolved problems under the rug for the sake of one holiday. If a family member is estranged today, the holiday alone won’t mend that divide. Focus instead on fostering genuine, long-term healing within your family dynamics and relationships.

Take a deep breath and remember: one holiday apart will not ruin your chances for reconciliation. Trying to force a resolution might only reinforce the other person’s feelings of being misunderstood, giving them yet another reason to remain distant in the future. Prioritize patience and understanding over immediate resolution, and give space for the relationship to heal authentically.

Estrangement and Being Alone On The Holidays

If you have chosen estrangement, you may feel a similar pressure to push everything under the rug for the holiday as well. Try to look beyond this urge and uncover what you are really hoping to get out of the holiday. Do you have a fantasy that attending the holiday will magically fix all the issues? Are you concerned about feeling alone? Or are you being realistic about wanting to attend for your own specific reasons? For some people, attending a larger family gathering is an easy way to dip your toe back into the family. It might be too overwhelming for others, and other steps must be taken first.

Strategies for Emotional Well-Being

One of the most important things you can give yourself this holiday season is self-compassion. No matter what role you have played in the estrangement, shaming yourself is unlikely to help you move forward. Instead, be honest with yourself about the state of the relationship and how difficult it is to deal with this during this time of year. You can be honest with yourself and also speak kindly. You should find time to meet with your therapist this month or utilize other strategies that can help you process your emotions, like writing, art, or physical movement. This is also a great time to participate in more weekly support groups at Calling Home and to surround yourself with people who understand what you are dealing with.

Creating New Traditions

It’s important to remember that spending a holiday estranged from a family member does not mean that it will always be this way. For those of you who are deeply struggling, having this attitude can be helpful. Instead, try to tell yourself that things will not always be this way. You are planning for one holiday and not the rest of your life. This lack of permanence can free up some of the distress that you might be feeling.

Then, think about how you would like to spend this specific holiday and what is available to you. You likely won’t be able to do all of your traditions in the same way, and we recommend not trying to replicate past holidays when this person was in attendance or when you spent time with your family. The more you try to force things to feel like they were, the more of an absence you will feel. Instead, try to develop ideas for celebrating that feel personal and fulfilling this year, such as solo activities, Friendsgiving, or volunteering. Emphasize the importance of your chosen family around you this year and connecting with supportive groups or friends who feel like home. Let go of the “perfect holiday” myth and release yourself from the idea that your holiday has to be perfect or family-centered to be meaningful.

A Few Practical Tips

  • Stay off social media
  • Make plans ahead so you have something to do when you’re feeling down or lonely
  • Have a friend, family member, or someone else you can call or see if feelings intensify and you’re having a hard time
  • Plan a meal that you enjoy
  • Expect complicated feelings to arise, and don’t shame yourself if and when they do
  • Have an emergency self-care list on your phone or on a piece of paper that you can use when feelings become overwhelming

Handling Social Pressures and Questions

It’s common for people to ask about family members over the holidays. Most are curious and well-intentioned, but this can be triggering for anyone who is recently estranged or struggling.

Here are some examples of how to respond when people ask about estranged family during holiday gatherings:

  • "I’m not really in touch with them at the moment, but I’m so glad to be here with everyone today!"
  • "I haven’t been in touch with them lately, but I’m grateful to spend time with you all."
  • "It’s a little complicated right now. But enough about me—how’s your family doing?"
  • "It’s a sensitive topic, but I’d love to hear about how your holiday traditions have been this year!"
  • "You know, every family has its drama. Ours just likes to keep it interesting year-round!"
  • "It’s been a tough road with them, but I’m working on building my own traditions this year."
  • "We’ve had some distance for personal reasons, but I’m finding new ways to celebrate and connect during the holidays."