How To Stop Playing The Role of The Caretaker/Enabler

It’s hard to admit that you’re enabling a family member. Most enablers are kind, caring, and genuinely interested in helping those in need. The problem is that their helping often adds to the problem and makes things worse.

The role of an enabler often involves supporting or facilitating another person's problematic behaviors (such as substance abuse, irresponsibility, or other unhealthy habits), which inadvertently allows those behaviors to continue without consequences. Breaking out of this role is essential for your well-being and the well-being of the person you’ve been enabling.

Here are some steps to help you stop enabling:

1. Recognize and Acknowledge Your Behavior:

• Identify specific ways you may be enabling. Are you making excuses for someone's behavior, covering up their mistakes, or taking on responsibilities that aren't yours?
• Acknowledge how your enabling behavior affects you and the person you are enabling. Enabling can lead to resentment, stress, and burnout for you while preventing the other person from facing the consequences of their actions and learning to take responsibility.

2. Understand How Enabling Hurts:

• Understanding the nature of enabling and its effects can empower you to make changes.
• Recognize patterns in your behavior and the behavior of the person you are enabling. Knowing what triggers your enabling response can help you anticipate and avoid falling back into that role.

3. Set Clear and Healthy Boundaries:

• Define clear boundaries about what behavior you will no longer tolerate or support. For example, you might decide not to give money to a family member who uses it to support an addiction.
• Communicate your boundaries to the person involved. Be honest and direct about what you will no longer do and why. Use “I” statements to express your feelings and decisions, such as “I will not lie for you or cover up for you anymore.”

4. Stop Covering Up or Making Excuses:

• Let the person face the natural consequences of their actions. If they make a mistake, let them handle the repercussions instead of fixing them.
• Refuse to make excuses for the person's behavior to others. Stop trying to justify or minimize their actions.

5. Encourage Responsibility and Accountability:

• Encourage the person to take responsibility for their actions and make their own decisions. Offer support, but let them handle their problems.
• If you choose to help, set conditions that require the person to take steps toward positive change. For example, “I will support you if you seek help or counseling,” rather than enabling the continuation of negative behaviors.

6. Practice Self-Care and Self-Compassion:

• Recognize that breaking out of the enabler role is difficult and takes time. It’s normal to make mistakes along the way. Be patient and compassionate with yourself.

7. Develop a Support System:

• Build relationships with people who respect your boundaries and support your decision to stop enabling. Having a strong support system can make it easier to maintain your resolve. Our groups at Calling Home can help you find other people in a similar situation. If certain individuals continually pressure you to enable or undermine your efforts, consider limiting your interactions with them.

8. Prepare for Resistance and Manipulation:

• The person you have been enabling might resist your changes, try to manipulate you, or express anger. They may use guilt, blame, or emotional appeals to get you to revert to your old behavior. Remain consistent with your boundaries and decisions, even in the face of resistance. Remind yourself why you are making these changes and the long-term benefits they will bring.

9. Reflect and Reassess Regularly:

• Evaluate Your Progress: Take time to reflect on how your behavior has changed and its impact on both you and the person you were enabling. If certain strategies aren’t working, be open to trying new approaches. Continuously reassess your boundaries and support system to ensure they align with your goals.

Stopping enabling behavior is a challenging but empowering process that requires self-awareness, courage, and a commitment to change. Remember, change takes time, and it’s okay to seek help and support along the way.