How To Own Your Dysfunctional Role In The Family

The hard truth is that we all can be the dysfunction in our family. Every single person has moments of emotional immaturity, defensiveness, and dismissiveness. We’ve all been the victim, and we’ve all been the persecutor. Admitting and accepting this is the first step in taking control of the dysfunction in your family and owning your role in perpetuating the drama.

Some of you will need to work on your emotional maturity and defensiveness. Others will need to set boundaries, stop apologizing so much, and let go of the need to fix everyone and everything.

This does not mean that it’s your fault or you put yourself in the position to become a victim in an abusive dynamic. Let me be very clear here: If you were abused, you should not have been. And, in adulthood, we all have to take back our power, recognize when and how we are being victimized, and take steps to keep ourselves safe.

Your Unique Role In The Family Dysfunction

Dysfunctional roles in a family often arise as coping mechanisms in response to unhealthy family dynamics. These roles can create long-term patterns of behavior that affect relationships and individual well-being. I want to help you identify your role in the dysfunction and teach you how to discuss your role with a therapist, partner, or another family member.

8 Common Dysfunctional Family Roles

1. The Caretaker (The Enabler)

This person takes on the responsibility of caring for the family, often at the expense of their own needs. They may protect others from consequences, especially in families where one member has an addiction or other destructive behavior. The caretaker may become overwhelmed, resentful, and lose their sense of identity. Their enabling can also prevent the family member with destructive behavior from facing the consequences and seeking help.

2. The Scapegoat (or The Black Sheep)

This individual is often blamed for the family’s problems. They may act out or rebel, drawing negative attention to themselves, which can distract from the family’s deeper issues. The scapegoat may internalize blame and develop feelings of worthlessness, leading to self-destructive behavior and strained relationships both within and outside the family.

3. The Hero (or The Overachiever)

This person strives to bring positive attention to the family through success and achievement. They often feel pressure to be perfect and to compensate for the family’s dysfunction. The hero may struggle with anxiety, perfectionism, and fear of failure. They might suppress their emotions and needs, leading to burnout and a lack of authentic self-identity.

4. The Peacemaker (or The Mediator)

This family member tries to maintain harmony and avoid conflict at all costs. They may smooth over arguments and often suppress their own needs and feelings to keep the peace. The peacemaker can become emotionally drained and may struggle with assertiveness. They might also develop passive-aggressive behaviors or experience internalized anger and resentment.

5. The Lost Child (or The Invisible Child)

This individual tends to withdraw from the family and avoids drawing attention to themselves. They might spend a lot of time alone and be emotionally detached. The lost child can feel neglected and may struggle with feelings of isolation and loneliness. They may find it challenging to form close relationships and develop low self-esteem.

6. The Mascot (or The Clown)

This person uses humor or other distracting behavior to deflect attention from the family’s problems. They often try to lighten the mood and keep others entertained. The mascot might hide their true feelings behind humor, leading to an inability to deal with serious issues. They may also struggle with being taken seriously and have difficulty expressing genuine emotions.

7. The Addict (or The Problem)

In families with addiction or substance abuse, this role is characterized by a member whose addictive behavior is the central focus of the family’s dysfunction. They may engage in self-destructive behaviors that the rest of the family responds to. This role often perpetuates the family’s dysfunction, as the focus on the addict’s behavior can overshadow other issues. The person with an addiction might feel guilt, shame, and a lack of control, further entrenching their behavior.

8. The Golden Child

Like the hero, the golden child is seen as perfect and can do no wrong. They often receive special treatment and are held up as the example others should follow. However, the golden child may develop unrealistic expectations for themselves and struggle with the pressure to maintain their status. They may also have a strained relationship with siblings who feel overshadowed or resentful.

How To Own Your Dysfunctional Role In The Family

When discussing family dysfunction, you want to make sure that you recognize the dysfunction in yourself and not just within others. This means having the language and the ability to call out the ways that you participate in and perpetuate family dysfunction. This will look different for everyone and depends on the unique circumstances your family is dealing with and your unique role in the family. You can read these statements and fill in the blank with your perspective.

• I protect others in the family from facing consequences by ______.
• I suppress my needs and try to keep the peace when _____.
• When _____ happens, I withdraw from the family or isolate.
• I take the blame whenever ____ happens in the family.
• I try to distract myself from family problems by _____.
• The family is always focused on ______.
• I have unrealistic expectations about _____.