Every family has a set of values; some are spoken, some are unspoken. Often, family values get passed down from generation to generation implicitly. Those values never get questioned, even if they no longer apply to the current generation. Families continue to operate this way because “it’s just how we are” and “it’s how things have always been.”
But family values have the power to shape and change the entire family unit. They are the guiding force in a family that impacts how the members behave, their decisions, and how they feel as family members. When you become aware of your family’s values and accept that you have the power to shape them, you can take control of your family’s narrative and well-being.
Family Values Are Important
- They provide the family with structure and clarity.
- They make communication easier.
- They help the family make important decisions.
- They give the family and its members a sense of belonging and identity.
The first step is discovering what your family values are. Remember, these values may change throughout your family's life cycle, and what you commit to today can always change. When you have young children, your family’s most essential values may differ from when you and your partner are retired empty-nesters.
Values are not meant to serve as rules or directives. They are guideposts that help your family make decisions and feel more fulfilled.
Tips For Creating Your Family’s Value List
- If you have trouble coming up with values, think about some goals and behaviors you’d like to achieve and what value might be prompting that. There are also several great value lists online.
- Get input from all the involved members of your family. Family values work best when everyone is involved and feels heard.
- Write your values down and come back to the list when you have trouble making a decision or it feels like you’re getting off track. It may even be helpful to display your family values in your home.
- Remember that your list should reflect your unique family. You do not have to do things as they have always been if it no longer works for your family.
How To Identify Your Family Values
Think about your family’s values in these four life domains: work/education, relationships, personal growth and health, and leisure. Every family has different values, and there is no “right” answer. In each of these columns, ask yourself:
- What’s important to our family?
- What does our family care about?
- What would I like our family to work towards?
- What values were instilled in me in my culture and my family? Are those values important to me as an individual today? Do I want to include those values in my own family now?
Your value will not be a specific goal. Instead, it is the way you would like your family to function. For example, maybe your goal is to spend at least one night a week with your spouse. Being an attentive and interested spouse would be the underlying value, and you would embody that value by spending time with your spouse.
It’s a good idea to consistently check in with your values and how you’re living. Your values will change as you age and your life shifts. It’s okay to make adjustments as you go. When you’re living in line with your values, things will be much more fulfilling, and they will make sense. It won’t always feel “good,” but you’ll know that you are in alignment with who you want your family to be.