Family Conflict Management

People are learning more about abuse and conflict with psychological information becoming widespread online. It can be challenging to decipher if the yelling in your home was abusive or just “passionate.” Or maybe your parents gave you “tough love” that felt more like criticism and ridicule. Every family has conflict, and how you manage that conflict is what matters. When conflict isn’t handled correctly, it can turn into abuse.

So the question becomes, who ultimately decides what is abusive and what isn’t? Is it the law? The person who was victimized? The person who inflicted the pain? The mental health community?

I am not going to give you a definitive answer. I would like to provide you with a spectrum and list of behaviors you can use to assess your family. You may have a different view of what is considered abuse versus what is simply conflict, and that is okay. What is important here is that the family members feel safe and can work through conflict with one another. If only those in positions of power feel like things are going well, you have a problem.

Family conflict is inevitable, but some families take it too far.

You’ve probably heard that some family conflict is normal. Families from all different walks of life love to lament over how “crazy” their bunch is, how weird Uncle Tom is, and what their family events are like. Families are made up of unique individuals with different values, personalities, and experiences. As new members enter the family through marriage, adoption, or other ways of blending a family, the system will continue to change and evolve. This means that conflict is likely and inevitable. And, no matter how much the family changes over time, abuse should never be normalized or accepted in the name of family.

The definition of abuse within families is complicated. Some people attempt to define it legally, while others are focused on the impact certain behaviors have on family members. In this community, we focus mainly on adult family relationships, and I will attempt to define abusive behaviors between adults within families. Of course, many of these behaviors may also be considered child abuse or neglect.

Is It Family Conflict Or Abuse?

Abuse within families can be physical, emotional, or sexual. People tend to agree more on definitions of physical and sexual abuse, while emotional abuse brings up more questions and debate, especially between generations. Neglect can also be a form of abuse when caregivers or people in power have a responsibility to care for someone and do not meet their basic needs. Abuse within families can be obvious, but it’s not always easy to identify, especially if this pattern has been happening for generations.

Physical Abuse

Let’s start with physical abuse because that tends to be the easiest to recognize once you become aware of the signs. Here are some examples of physical abuse within families:

• slapping
• biting
• kicking
• pulling hair
• scratching
• shaking
• choking
• arm twisting
• using another object to cause pain

I would never consider any of these behaviors to be normal family “conflict”; they all fall under the umbrella of abuse. However, we can see a difference between your two uncles getting in one fistfight and making up versus chronic slapping or physical maltreatment between spouses. Physical maltreatment or abuse should never be accepted or tolerated, and families have different types of physical abuse.

Some families hesitate to say, “there was abuse” in my family, and I understand that. If you come from a family system where adults sometimes handle disputes through physical altercations, it may be more helpful to understand this behavior as an inability to problem-solve and manage their emotions. Bottom line: It’s not a great way to handle conflict, even if you don’t consider it abuse.

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is when someone utilizes threats, manipulation, or intimidation to assert power over someone else. This can be very difficult to identify in families. Sometimes emotional abuse is written off as “generational difference,” “respecting your elders,” or even “just trying to help.” Here are some examples in families:

• name calling, insulting, ridiculing, and criticizing
• humiliating people
• the silent treatment
• threatening to hurt someone they care about
• abusing someone else in front of them
• refusing to say anything kind or express any positive feelings about the other person
• blaming everything on someone

Again, it’s a fine line here. I am sure many of you have experienced these things within your family system during conflict. Members of healthy families sometimes succumb to criticism, insults, or name-calling. What’s important to pay attention to here is the repair.

• Do family members chronically do this despite being told it hurts?
• Do family members continue to do this without any apology?
• Do you notice that the list above is the norm in your family or does it only happen in the worst moments of conflict?
• What impact did these events have on you?
• Do family members deny that this is happening or try to pretend?

Sexual Abuse

In families, we tend to think about sexual abuse happening between children and adults, but sexual abuse between adults does happen. An adult family member may be a victim of sexual violence by a stranger, another adult family member, or even their spouse/partner. Here are some examples of sexual abuse.

• being forced to touch someone inappropriately or being forced to be touched by someone
• forceful sex with another person
• making sexual advances or comments about another family member’s body
• taking sexual photos of someone without their consent and/or knowledge

I have heard countless stories in families about the “creepy uncle” or another family member who makes sexual comments or advances. In-laws or people who are not genetically tied to the family may be even more susceptible to these comments because the person feels they’re not really “family.” However, unwanted sexual advances or sexual violence cannot occur in a healthy family unit.

Neglect

Neglect occurs when someone fails to meet a dependent person’s needs. It’s important to note that emotional neglect and emotional support fall under “needs.” Even in adulthood, emotional neglect can have a long-lasting negative impact on those denied this critical need by their family members. Here are some examples of emotional neglect:

• not providing someone dependent on you (a child, the elderly, or someone with a disability) with a safe place to live, food, and/or adequate hygiene
• refusing to provide emotional support
• refusing to provide any guidance or affection

This list is complicated because adult family members are not required to provide other family members with these needs. And it’s tough to have a functioning family unit without emotional support, guidance, or affection. If you didn’t receive these things from your family in childhood, I understand why you would struggle to return the favor. You may choose not to provide some of your family members with these needs, and that is okay. These relationships do need to be reciprocal.

Normal Family Conflict

Now, let’s discuss what is “normal” family conflict. Here are some examples:

• Having different values
• Needing time to recover between difficult conversations
• Spending time with other people outside of the family
• Having different goals or plans for life
• Disagreeing and then coming together to repair
• Members have different respectful forms of managing conflict
• Different emotions or perceptions about an event and communicating those ideas respectfully
• Occasional poor communication and misunderstandings
• Hurt feelings (intentional or unintentional) and then seeking understanding and repair
• Struggling when there is a new change in the family, like marriage, divorce, a new baby, moving, etc.
• Experiencing conflict when a member is going through physical or emotional changes like puberty, menopause, postpartum, or other types of mental health issues and physical changes
• Members experiencing stress outside of the family and needing family support

All of these things are normal parts of family life. The experiences on this list can lead to conflict and misunderstanding, and it’s all about how they are handled. Family members can grow closer through conflict, respectful communication, and the right conflict management skills.

It Is Hard To Differentiate Between Conflict And Abuse

The word “abuse” is so heavy. Many people do not want to accept or admit that abuse happened in their family because it would mean feeling such complicated emotions.

• You may feel guilty: “I should have been able to stop it.”
• You may feel ashamed: “People will look down on my family.”
• You may feel angry: “Everything bad happens to me.”
• You may feel afraid: “If I tell anyone, I’ll be punished.”
• You may feel confused: “Maybe it’s not that bad.”
• You may feel rejected: “No one cares about me.”
• You may feel trapped: “I can’t escape this.”
• You may feel helpless: “There’s nothing I can do to stop this.”
• You may feel hopeless: “This will never get better.”
• You may feel worthless: “No one will love me again.”
• You may feel betrayed: “How could someone who loves me do this to me.”

Unfortunately, abuse within the family is not rare. It’s way more common than you think; we just don’t talk about it enough. Here’s my opinion: You don’t have to call it abuse if it doesn’t help you or improve your situation.

I have seen many therapists lose their clients on this journey simply because they want them to accept and admit that what happened to them was “abuse.” This is empowering for some people. For others, it crushes them, and the feelings are just too heavy to bear.

I want you to understand what you deserve and what is and isn’t your fault. Family members will only benefit from membership when conflict is managed, abuse stops, and people learn to relate to one another in a healthy way.

So, when you ask yourself: Is my family abusive or are we just having conflict? Here are some other things you want to explore:

• What would defining what is happening in my family as abuse mean?
• Why have I resisted labeling it as abuse?
• When my family has high levels of conflict, do they tend to move into abusive behavior?
• Is the abusive behavior constant or episodic?
• How do I feel about how my family manages conflict?
• What would I like conflict management to look like in my family?