Family Boundaries

"A boundary is something that keeps you safe and comfortable in your relationships," says Nedra Glover Tawwab, a licensed therapist and author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace. Boundaries with family members help us maintain healthy, enjoyable relationships.

Setting a boundary may make someone change their behavior, but it’s not why we set boundaries. Read that again.

Does that make sense? It took me a really long time to get this.

When I learned how to set boundaries, I thought they were magic. I thought: if I just set enough of the right boundaries at the right times, I could teach someone exactly how to interact with me. I could help them find their way and correct what I think is “bad.”

Boundaries are about us. They are not about other people. We're not really setting a boundary when we set one to make someone change. We’re trying to manipulate the situation under the guise of a boundary. Do our boundaries sometimes help people change? Absolutely. When we set healthy boundaries, we also model appropriate behavior and force new interaction patterns to begin.

Unfortunately, some people will ignore our boundaries completely or rebel against them. If you set the boundary to get someone to change and they don’t, you may be left thinking that the boundary was wrong or not helpful. This leaves you continuously setting boundaries and changing them to change someone else’s behavior. When setting boundaries, I find it’s beneficial to focus on what you can control in a situation.

Let’s work through an example.

You have a family member who drinks excessively and you really do not like being around them when they’re drinking. You might try to set the boundary: “You cannot drink around me” with this person. But I would recommend against this, and here’s why: this puts all the responsibility on that person. They have to refrain from drinking around you, and if they start, you’re bound to enter a power struggle. You’ll probably say, “I told you that you couldn’t drink around me!” and chaos will ensue. But what if we change the boundary to being about what you can do? This would change to: “I will not be around you when you’re drinking.” With this boundary and change in language, you are informing the other person and committing to not being around them when they drink. If they decide to open up a beer in front of you, you can leave. If they continue to disrespect this boundary, you can stop attending events with them.

You have the power to keep yourself safe in this moment, and you are not relying on them to respect the boundary.

Why Your Family Needs Boundaries

Families who practice boundary setting often experience the following:

• better relationships
• improved personal health and well-being
• increased confidence and assertiveness
• more effective communication

Types Of Family Boundaries

• Time Boundaries: the time you spend with others, how you divide your time.
• Physical Boundaries: how close people can come to you, physical touch.
• Fight Boundaries: what can and cannot happen during an argument.
• Emotional Boundaries: how you protect your emotional self around people, limits on name-calling, emotional manipulation, and emotional abuse.
• Intellectual Boundaries: what you’ll accept in conversations about your education, intelligence, or ideas.
• Social Media Boundaries: asking people not to post photos of you or your children, unfriending or blocking someone because of their behavior on social media.
• Food Boundaries: what you will not eat, not allowing comments about dieting, body image, or food.
• Communication Boundaries: when you can communicate via phone or text and how you choose to communicate.

Many families set boundaries around these issues:

• How to treat other family members (physical force, tone, language, volume, etc.)
• Going out (where, when, with whom, and how often. This will depend on age and relationship)
• Having guests in the house
• Financial responsibilities and spending
• Division of labor and housework
• Smoking, alcohol, or using drugs in the house
• Anti-social or illegal behavior
• Infidelity or relationships outside of an agreed-upon relationship

"A boundary is something that keeps you safe and comfortable in your relationships."

Nedra Glover Tawaab

How To Set Boundaries With Family

When you’re trying to set a boundary with another person, I want you to come back to these questions:

• Where do I experience difficulty in this relationship?
• Is there something about this relationship that makes it difficult for me to feel safe or understood?
• How can I keep myself safe if this person never changes and never does anything different?
• What boundary will be reasonable to enforce?
• What is my goal for this relationship?
• What limit do I want to set?
• What will happen if I don’t set this boundary?
• What issues might I face when setting this boundary?

When you decide to communicate your boundary, you want to ensure that you share it clearly and with empathy. It is okay for the other person to ask questions and seek clarity respectfully - this is not always an example of disrespect or pushback.

• Determine where you need a boundary in the relationship.
• Clearly define the issue and how you will be responding if and when this issue comes up again.
• Give the other person the opportunity to seek clarification and adjust to the boundary.
• Be patient and remember that boundaries can be flexible and may need to be adjusted.

Reminders For Setting Boundaries With Family

• Remember, the boundary is about protecting you and not about changing them.
• The boundary can always be changed. It can get more intense or more relaxed. It is only permanent if you want it to be.
• Communicate clearly and allow the other person to ask questions (respectfully) if needed. Sometimes people need more clarification.
• If they don’t figure out the boundary right away, re-evaluate. Did you express yourself clearly? Did they seem to understand? Are they blatantly disrespecting you or is something else going on here?
• Someone pushing back against a boundary doesn’t always mean you did something wrong or miscommunicated.
• Boundaries are not magic, and they don’t fix everything.
• You cannot ask people to respect boundaries you are unwilling to respect. If you ask for respect, you must be willing to give it. If you ask for space when you’re upset, you must be ready to accept it when someone else needs it.