If you’ve never been allowed to have limits, your first boundary shouldn’t be that crazy. Start small. The goal this week is to practice saying it and allowing yourself to have it.
Keep it short. One sentence is usually enough. You can give a reason if you want to, but you don’t have to. Long explanations often give a difficult family member more to argue with. If you can, practice with the person in your family who is easiest to say no to before you try it with the hardest one. And if a line sounds too formal for your family, change the words until it sounds like you.
If your family responds to small requests with threats, rage, or anything that makes you feel unsafe, these aren’t the scripts for that.
Saying no to a plan
Use this when you’re invited to something you don’t want to go to or can’t go to.
I can’t make it Tuesday. I hope it’s a good night.
I can’t make it this time. Let me know about the next one.
Buying yourself time
Use this when someone asks you for something, and you feel the need to say yes right away.
Let me check and get back to you tomorrow.
Ending a call or a visit on time
Use this at the start of a call or visit that usually runs longer than you want.
I’ve got about ten minutes before I need to go.
I’ve got to hop off now. Talk soon.
We’re heading out around 8.
Asking for a heads-up before they come over
Use this with a family member who drops by without warning.
Can you text me before you come by? I want to make sure I’m home and have time to visit.
Changing the subject
How’s the kitchen going?
Let’s talk about something else.
I don’t want to discuss that right now.
When they push back
Difficult family members often push back on the small stuff too.
I know. I still can’t make it.
I hear you. My answer’s the same.
I’m not going to get into the reasons. It’s just a no this time.