Boundaries With Difficult Family: A Beginner’s Guide

I do admit that when I see a lot of the boundary scripts online, even the ones I’ve written in the past, I cringe a little bit. I think, I would legit never say that to my mom or my husband or my sister. But that’s because I don’t have to. They listen to me the first time. When I say, “I can’t make it Tuesday,” they don’t start aggressively pushing back, asking me why I can’t, and telling me that if I really cared, I would. I don’t need all these scripts and boundary-setting instructions because the relationship naturally, and reliably, stays in its container.

I also think about all the boundaries I’ve been allowed to have. I know that no one has a right to touch me without my consent. I know that I’m allowed to take space and not respond right away. I don’t think I’m going to get in trouble for not saying yes to everything and everyone. But for people who were never allowed to have limits, the concept of boundary setting is extremely novel and foreign. It’s like, what do you mean I get to tell someone I don’t want a hug?! You mean I can say no to an 11 PM dinner reservation when I have work tomorrow, and no one is going to hate me?

And a lot of people who never had boundaries or the ability to say no get absolutely irate when you have boundaries of your own. Because in their minds, it’s: What do you mean I could have said no to my mother-in-law when she wanted to hold my baby five minutes after I gave birth, before I even had a moment to put on a diaper and brush my hair? What do you mean I was allowed to tell my husband it wasn’t ok for him to have three affairs while I was at home with the kids? I suffered through it and lost all my autonomy and agency, and my god, you will too!!

Do some people who are new to boundaries take it too far? Maybe. But I think for most of them, it’s just the pendulum swinging a little too far in the other direction. They’re so afraid of becoming a doormat again that they become so walled off and boundaried that no one can ever back them into a corner again. I get it.

So this article is for the beginner. It’s for the person who really doesn’t have any experience setting boundaries and has always felt like they’re not allowed to have them. And it’s for people with difficult family members, because in easy, functional families, you don’t have to set boundaries like this.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are just instructions for how to be in a relationship with you. In easy, healthy relationships, you don’t have to spell out very many of them. These relationships kinda just flow. The other person is insightful, and they get it. They’re able to read the room. And then there are the more difficult relationships. These ultimately need more limits, because without them, they sort of spiral out of control. And not in a fun way.

A boundary is a limit on what you will do, what you’ll take part in, and what you’ll allow in your life. Most of the time it’s one sentence. It doesn’t have to be a big sit-down conversation.

Most boundaries have two parts:

1. The ask
2. What you’ll do if the ask doesn’t work.

Please don’t call me at work. If you do, I’m not going to pick up, and I’ll call you back after 5. In easy relationships, you really only need the first part. In difficult ones, you need the second part of the sentence, and you need to find a way to stick to it even when they don’t agree or follow your request. You can’t control whether your mom calls you at work, but you can decide whether you answer.

You don’t always have to announce your boundaries. A lot of boundaries are just things you start doing to protect yourself and your time, space, or energy. You leave the party at 8. You let the call go to voicemail. You change the subject. If you’re new at this and the idea of saying it out loud makes you want to puke, this is a good place to start.

What Boundaries Are Not

They’re not a way to control someone. You can’t talk to me like that sounds like a boundary, but it’s actually a request. The person can absolutely talk to you like that. What you can do is leave the room, hang up, or end the visit when they do. This is where a lot of beginners get stuck. They set a “boundary,” the other person ignores it, and they feel like they failed.

They’re not a punishment. If you’re setting a limit to make someone feel bad, teach them a lesson, or get back at them, that’s not a boundary, and it usually makes things worse.

They’re not a threat you don’t plan to follow through on. If you say, If you bring up my weight again, I’m leaving, you have to be ready to actually leave. Otherwise, your family learns that your limits are negotiable, and in a lot of difficult families, they already believe that. Only say what you’re willing to do.

They don’t need their full agreement. You don’t have to convince anyone it’s fair. They may never think it is. You also don’t always need a long explanation.

They’re not the same as cutting someone off. Estrangement is one kind of boundary, and for some people it’s the right one, but most boundaries are smaller than a full cut-off. You can have a lot of boundaries with someone and still have a relationship with them.

They’re not a one-time conversation. With a difficult family, you’ll probably have to hold the same boundary over and over. Having to say it again doesn’t mean you did something wrong.

They’re not needed for everything. Some things you’ll decide to let go of, and that doesn’t mean you agree with it, want to take part in it, or want to give it your attention and approval. It really just means you’re choosing not to spend your energy on it right now, either because you can’t do anything about it or because it isn’t hurting your life enough to be worth the fight.

Types of Boundaries

Physical. Your body and your space. Who can touch you, hug you, hold your baby, come into your home, or stay overnight. Please text before you come by.

Time. How often you see people, how long you stay, and what you say yes to. This is a big one for people who grew up feeling like their time belonged to everyone else. I can come for dinner, but I have to head out around 8.

Communication. How and when people can reach you. This covers how often they call, how fast you respond, whether you answer during work, and whether you stay in the family group chat. I don’t really check my phone during the day. I’ll get back to you tonight.

Conversation. Topics you’re not going to discuss. Your weight, your dating life, your job, your parenting, your decision not to come home for Christmas. I’d rather not talk about that. How’s work going?

Emotional. What you’re willing to listen to and take on emotionally. This covers yelling, criticism, guilt trips, being vented to about other family members, and being expected to fix everyone’s feelings. I’m not going to talk about Dad with you. I love you both, and I don’t want to be in the middle.

Money and things. Loans, gifts, being expected to pay, and people borrowing your stuff. I’m not able to lend you money right now.

Your kids. Who watches them, which rules get followed, photos online, and comments about their bodies or your parenting. We don’t post photos of the kids online. Please take that one down.

If you’re not sure where to start, the worksheet and scripts this week will walk you through it step by step.