How To Talk About Your Childhood With Your Siblings

If your relationship with your sibling is strained, it may be because you have very little awareness of what it was like for either of you growing up. In order to have these conversations, siblings have to be willing to listen, seek understanding, validate, and possibly disagree. They also have to possess the ability to see a parent in a different way than their siblings. These are difficult tasks and they are possible.

Start by bringing it up,

• “I want to talk to you about my experience growing up. Can we find a time to talk?”
• “I was talking about our childhood in therapy and I think I’m realizing some things.”
• “Do you remember what things were like when (insert a year or place where you lived)? What was it like for you?”
• “What was the hardest part of our childhood?”
• “Is there anything from growing up that you still think about today?”

How To Discuss Different Childhood Experiences With Your Sibling

If your sibling is willing and able to discuss this with you, you have to be ready to hold space for a different experience.

• Both of our experiences can be true at the same time
• I can feel one way about Mom or Dad and you can agree or disagree
• We each have a right to create the relationship with family members that makes the most sense for us
• We may have hurt each other during those early years, despite being kids and not knowing better
• We are adults now and we have a duty to behave like adults when interacting with each other
• As adults, we are no longer jockeying for resources from our parents in the same way. Our behavior needs to reflect that.
• We are unique individuals with our own personalities, values, and interests.
• We can be respectful and seek understanding without agreeing or being very close.

Discussing these issues can be really emotional and you may want a more neutral third party (like a therapist) to help you navigate the conversation. Don’t be afraid to take a lot of breaks and allow the conversation to evolve over time. It’s also important to navigate this relationship as adult siblings and not as children. Involving parents in these discussions can significantly impact the dynamic and make it more difficult to understand each other’s unique perspectives. Your childhood is over and now it’s time to try to find a way to heal and relate as adults (if that is something both of you want).

We Don’t Agree

Many siblings are unable to agree on a narrative about their childhood. Your sibling may outright reject your version of events. You may also be unable to accept how your sibling views your shared childhood or your parents. Siblings may even cast one another as villains in their stories. When this happens, there are two options: (1) learn to accept two different versions of a shared experience or (2) terminate or change the relationship.

In the book Brothers, Sisters, Strangers, Fern Chapman shares, “Children tend to respond to turmoil with one of two behaviors: They may form a close bond based upon their shared traumas, or, more often, they isolate from the family to take care of themselves.” Siblings may choose to separate from one another simply because they cannot manage to be around one another without being reminded of a painful childhood.

If your goal is to find a way to relate to your sibling in adulthood, you may need to ask yourself:

• Is it possible for me to have a relationship with them without their validation?
• If they can’t understand my point of view, can we have a relationship?
• If my sibling blames me for issues in their life, is there anything I can or will take responsibility for?
• If I blame my sibling for issues in my life, is forgiveness an option?
• How does my relationship with my sibling impact my relationship with my parent(s)?
• Do I get more peace from forgiveness and having a relationship or is estrangement necessary?
• Why do I want to have a relationship with my sibling and what will that look like?